Seasons of the Heart

Winter has entered my heart, It's icy fingers are gripping every part of me, and I feel frozen. Stuck in a situation where I have no control. Left in a position where I have no control, and can not express my grief or how much he has hurt me.

I am devastated by this man that I allowed myself to trust.

Allowed myself to love.

I have cried so much that I have been surprised that there is a fresh new supply of tears that still keep coming.

It was so hard to allow myself to care again after my divorce. My ex-husband did me in. Yet here came this person who was funny and unassuming and I believed in him. Believed in the dreams that he created for me... and I loved him.

Part of me always kept this flag up ... protect yourself... don't fall too hard... don't give him your whole heart. But I threw caution to the wind ... and my heart belonged to him.

A sacrafice that I can never get back.

He was brutal and cruel to leave the way he did. Knew it would send me into a level of hell that I have not been in for years. I don't handle emotional cruelty well- With my ex-marriage I would cut to deal with the emotional insecurity and pain... It would numb everything that was screaming inside me and calm me. I have been cut free for a year... and I am having to start over at day 1 2 and three. My legs are slashed to ribbons, and it hasn't numbed anything.

This time I will be feeling everything ... and it never stops.

My sister came and got me on Friday - I stayed with her for two days, she did this to protect me from myself. Which was good.
My friends have been calling and finding things for me to do every single day, keeping me busy.
But it isn't when I am doing things that it gets hard.
It is at night ... when it is quiet and I lay down- and there is no strong arm laying across my waist, or his breath on my hair ... that is when winter sets in and I am cold and alone.
I keep praying for summer to come back to my heart...
But winter is here and I am not seeing a break in the weather anytime soon.

Alone

He left...
Packed all of his things while I was at work... left no note... nothing
It is over...
Thank you to all of my friends on here and your support...
It really means the world to me that you are out there.
I hope that all of your diets go GREAT .

catching up... falling down... picking myself back up.

I know the last few posts have been downers...
this one prolly won't be much better because I am venting.
I talked to Mr. Abbott yesterday... not a good conversation .. he came to the house while I was gone yesterday ... got a change of clothes and left.

I am feeling seriously hurt by him right now... and it only got worse.
He told me that loving me is like parachuting from a plane and being rammed in the ass by the stratosphere needle sometimes. If he was looking for a desired effect of me crying.. he got it.
Itexted him back and told him to stay gone. That obviously his friend is his priority. Me and Mollie are JUST fine. We were fine before and we will continue to be fine.

Honestly , I hate when he is mean with words. I know his intention was to be funny ... but honestly I feel cold. It took EVERYTHING I had not to pack the rest of his belongings and leave them on the lawn for him to pick up. I would rather be hit ... punched in the mouth than talked to that way.

I am tired of consistently making people in my life a priority when I am only an option to them.
SCREW THAT!
I am in it for me now! Selfless equals suffering on my end. I am putting myself first and foremost. Which is completely different from how I have always been.

I am over trying to be something to someone that I can't be. So I am going to be the person that I was made to be.

If this relationship continues... which at this point it will take a dramatic change on his part to do so. Then he will find out that he is a domesticated partner not a king in a castle .

My weightloss journey just got kicked in the hiney and we are full steam ahead.

Look out world ... .the new Sharr is on her way!

new adventures...

with the way things are working out right now ... I am thinking I may have to create a new adventure or a new life.
With losing weight...
and with the way things are happening... I am considering looking for a job that is out of state.
Moving somewhere new.
I read a quote by Mark Twain... "Why not go out on a limb-That's where the fruit is"
Perhaps i need to go out on a limb.

UNDO IT!

I would totally like to un-do the events of this past week.
It seems if ONE thing is going to go wrong ... a bunch of OTHER things jump on board and make it feel like a landslide of crap.
I am getting ready to start back on protocol I went off for a week because it is difficult to take my injections with me when traveling ... ( not really an excuse but I have to keep hcg refrigerated and do not like the thought of traveling in a cooler and not knowing if I will be able to have access to a fridge)
I have not really been eating all that unhealthy .
Or alot of portion size.
I have found that if I over eat even by a few bites ... my stomach hurts or I get sick.
I prefer neither of those options. ;)
So with my car -- ::sigh:: It is still in the shop. I am still worrying about money. More so now.
AND
Mr. Abbott has decided to take a trip down jerkhead road.
pardon me ladies while I vent about this man I adore whom I really want to strangle right now.
His friend Shaun came into town Saturday.
I cleaned house... I mean REALLY cleaned house - baseboards... everything to make sure our home would be presentable to his friend so he could stay with us.
Apparently Mr. Abbott had other plans.
He had his friend Regina.. loan them her house for them to stay in so they could be buddy-buddy for a week while Shaun is here for his pool tournament.
ummm ok?
He did not even say that this is what he wanted to do... Saturday after getting up early and slaving myself over the house on a stress fractured ankle... he tells me as he is walking out the door to pick up Shaun at the airport.
He has not been home in two days.
I am ... hurt.. furious and confused.
It isn't that I don't trust him... I want him to enjoy his time with Shaun they haven't seen each other in 3 years...
But i thought that he would at least ... text.. or call or something.
and I am left wondering ...
Should I be this angry?
Am I stupid... and this is just plain wrong?
I am feeling insecure ... and not sure where this relationship is headed.
I have decided with the alone time that me and my yoga mat... and turbo jam and the gym will be seeing alot more of each other.
That and I am going to catch up with friends I rarely see.
How would you feel if this was your person?
How would you handle it?
am I crazy in being upset?
let me know...
Have a great week ya'll and remember it is make a difference monday - be the change in the world you want to see... perform a random act of kindness for a complete stranger.... and see how awesome it makes you feel ... today I bought coffee for the man behind me in line. :)

ohhhh woe is me...

well.. not woe..
but I am sad.
My poor little focus ... 7100.00 worth of damage. Freaking out just a little.
Driving the rental is nice... but I got to say .. weird. I feel really funky about it.
It isn't my car...
I am worried about when I get my car back that it will not be the same. That it won't drive the same or FEEL the same. It is hard to drive as it is right now.
I am considering trading in my vehicle when I get it back and possibly getting something less small... But I don't know if it is affordable.
I will have to see.
I am sure God will make a way. But right now it is hard to see.
my heart is sooo worried . I really don't have the money for my deductable or anything. Living on my own is really hard .. and honestly money is a constant worry.
All I can do is live life one day at a time...

California and other such adventures....

So ...
Mr. Abbott and I left for California on Thursday after I got off work. We were going to stay at the Marriott but they were 100 percent occupancy. So our friend Hany got us a room at the Fairfield in Anaheim Hills .
Nice big room with a jacuzzi tub... woot woot.
Friday we got up and had breakfast ...
I should have started by saying this is a non hcg endorsed trip ... lol
we ate at ... the corner bakery ... I had a sandwich and i have to say it tasted just like something my Nana used to make. SO GOOD!
Then we headed over to Garvey Snacks to look at their dried fruit and nuts ... also some of the candy products which will go on the website for Mr. Abbott.
We toured the facility and Mr. Garvey truly is a very nice man.
Please pray for his daughter Tatiana who has a tumor which has caused blindness.
She is 26.
We then drove back to the Marriott where I hung out and Mr. Abbott and Hany had a business meeting and I hung out in the lounge, sipping water and waiting while writing a little.
When they came back we had dinner A california stack - crab on a wonton wrapper with a wasabi sauce... OMG soooo good.
And pizza. (remind me to kill him for bringing pizza in themix.
We went back to the hotel and I passed out cold I was so tired.
Woke up and Mr Abbott decided we were going to go home.
We detoured by Balboa island .. that was fun ... but I was soooo sad to leave SoCal.
We drove home ... I pouted.
Sunday I stayed home from the farmers market - which was ... HIS punishment for not keeping his promise about taking one weekend for ourselves.
I went to work this morning ... the road I normally take was closed so I was rerouted back to Las Vegas Blvd... and had to turn back around and go to Jones.
BAD DAY BREWING!
Got to work ... more than cranky customers ... bleh
Then went to lunch was headed to Carl's Jr. to get a sprite. my stomach was upset.
and I was in an accident. I am not sure but my car is possibly totalled.
I have a concussion ... a compressed ankle... and ... a bruised knee..
Was at the accident scene FOREVER til the police released me ... to the doctor cuz I hit my head.
i am tired and will be heading to bed soon...
Hope all is well with you.