Winter has entered my heart, It's icy fingers are gripping every part of me, and I feel frozen. Stuck in a situation where I have no control. Left in a position where I have no control, and can not express my grief or how much he has hurt me.
I am devastated by this man that I allowed myself to trust.
Allowed myself to love.
I have cried so much that I have been surprised that there is a fresh new supply of tears that still keep coming.
It was so hard to allow myself to care again after my divorce. My ex-husband did me in. Yet here came this person who was funny and unassuming and I believed in him. Believed in the dreams that he created for me... and I loved him.
Part of me always kept this flag up ... protect yourself... don't fall too hard... don't give him your whole heart. But I threw caution to the wind ... and my heart belonged to him.
A sacrafice that I can never get back.
He was brutal and cruel to leave the way he did. Knew it would send me into a level of hell that I have not been in for years. I don't handle emotional cruelty well- With my ex-marriage I would cut to deal with the emotional insecurity and pain... It would numb everything that was screaming inside me and calm me. I have been cut free for a year... and I am having to start over at day 1 2 and three. My legs are slashed to ribbons, and it hasn't numbed anything.
This time I will be feeling everything ... and it never stops.
My sister came and got me on Friday - I stayed with her for two days, she did this to protect me from myself. Which was good.
My friends have been calling and finding things for me to do every single day, keeping me busy.
But it isn't when I am doing things that it gets hard.
It is at night ... when it is quiet and I lay down- and there is no strong arm laying across my waist, or his breath on my hair ... that is when winter sets in and I am cold and alone.
I keep praying for summer to come back to my heart...
But winter is here and I am not seeing a break in the weather anytime soon.
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I used to be a cutter. I carry the reminders of that time on my arms. What used to numb has lost its effect. I understand that.
ReplyDeletei wish i had some words of encouragement, some promise of a quick light at the end of the tunnel..but I don't. I've been in your place, but you hearing my story won't smooth your pain.
Sharr all I can say is this...what was once broken, you rebuilt. You will rebuild again. Not when everyone thinks you should, but when you are ready. I sincerely hope that when you rebuild this time it is on the foundation of yourself, and not one of a man filled with empty promises.
You ARE loved, you ARE valued, and you are cared about.
Hang in there girl. Hang on to the hands that stretch out to you. Hang on to their words, even when your heart doesnt' believe them. We're gonna help you get through this my friend.
Trisha
Hey Sharr,
ReplyDeleteI cant imagine what the cutting is like and how being in that place must be like. Be kind to yourself and know that you have support and even though I am a stanger I wish you well and am here for you. You are so much stronger than him. I know its hard now but it takes time and time does heal everything.
So um...you are missed and I hope you are doing ok.
ReplyDeleteThought you should know.
xoxo