load day 1

Started late , I was going to start yesterday , however I was in such a blah state that I just could not wrap my head around it. I didn't eat yesterday until dinner time , so it would not have been a successful load day.
I woke up this morning and decided today was it. I would not wait one more day to get back on track. I got up gave myself my injection and enjoyed loading.
I had a english muffin with turkey bacon and egg white... i know healthy... but it sure tasted good.
Lunch a hamburger ... thank you carls junior for providing a MOST yummy teriyaki burger.
and for dinner sushi...
honestly i feel like i could rowlf ... but I only have one more day.
Tomorrow for lunch i am having a asian chicken wrap .. I have decided. breakfast and dinner are up in the air.
I am still feeling completely out of sorts.
I have been floating between moments of utter agony and grief to anger and rage. This weekend was not a good one . I went out friday which was fun, but ... Saturday my plans cancelled and so i was home with nothing but my thoughts.
my heart is shattered, and I am sooo angry with him right now... because he is a LIAR.
and he plays emotional terrorist... will say he is going to call and will expect me to be home, to answer ... but doesn't call.
But I am not staying by the phone.
and I don't believe him.
He told me there is noone else and there was never anyone else.
But I no longer believe that either.
he is pushing me from a place of passive aggression to aggression, which is not a normal place for me.
and then I will remember something soft and lovely and wonderful ... and it is like a punch in the gut.
Can someone please tell me ... how to shut my heart off?
How can I stop loving him?
When will it just go away.
How can I turn this anger and push to something greater?
Until I figure it out... I will load tomorrow and then it is 500 calories a day.
Trisha -- you can do it... I know it is hard... just tell yourself being healthy is better than whatever you are craving tastes ;)