melting

I have been sick this past week. Stomach flu I think .
I was unable to eat for like 3 days. CG
Bonus for the starvation diet.

So HCG will be a restart.

I had to contact HIM , because i could not find my wax cooker cord. He did respond...unusual for his chicken self. He did try to help me find it via text .. Was not able to find it until the next morning. His text became nicer and he chatted me about nothing really.

NOTHING!

Am I high?

He says he can never hate me...
But he also said he loved me once...
He says I never trust him or never trusted him.
Not true even tho there were always inconsistencies in his stories.

I have come to the conclusion that there will never be closure on this.
EVER!

I had a date last night ... I cried all day getting ready for it. Sobbed actually.
I am going through the motions of a date and my heart belongs to someone who does not love me, who left me.. sick right?

So I got ready... and went to dinner ... then for an ice cream cone and a drink.
I had my door opened for me.
My chair pulled out for me.
and it was fun.

and then I came home and cried more.

Someone please hand me a knife to cut what is left of my heart out.
Because I can not handle living like this anymore.
Perhaps if I was a stone cold bitch that would help.
But I don't know how to be anyone else but who I am.

I don't know why at 4 weeks it hurts more than when it first happened.

Bury me
Bury me in your lies
Bury me in your good intentions
Bury me

I was listening to that Eminem song ... the one with Rhiana or however you spell her name.
the lyrics :
"just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that's all right because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and watch me cry
It's all right because I love the way you lie...
I love the way you lie"

That is kind of how it was ... you know...
He was never mean physically to me. He treated me like a princess most of the time.
But there were times he was mean with his words... Would make me cry. He wouldn't even flinch or feel bad. There would be no apology... it was what it was.
For the most part it was good ... there were things I hated.
Sports betting
Porn.
He doesn't speak to most of his family ... He says they turned his back on him.
But the truth of the matter is more like he turned his back on them.

I wish that I had a magic eraser so I could just scrub every memory from my mind ... and I didn't have to think of it.
Everyone tells me I am better off that this has happened...
Perhaps that is true... But I can not choose who I fell in love with.
I can't force my heart to change the way it feels
It actually makes my skin crawl to think of anyone else trying to kiss me or touch me.

So in order to not think I am logging off here and scrubbing the kitchen ... maybe that will take my mind and put it on other things

sorry I needed to vent... I am just ... in agony ... and dealing.