the adventures of frankenfoot

I was sitting here actually trying to determine what kind of sound effects my little frankenfoot would make if it could indeed make sound effects..... But, I am pretty sure that all it would say would be.... "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

I think that indeed would be the only sound that it would make. Ok I don't know if you can tell how many little bruises are on that leg and foot but let me tell you there are a lot and probably more than I could count... but playing dot to dot may provide some entertainment for those who are truly bored.

Let me begin with the right side of the photo and the more prominent set of sutures . this is where the bone spur that was the bain of my existance. Apparently said spur was larger than he actually thought but I guess he thoroughly enjoyed removing it.

On the left side and the incision you can't really see... is where he had to repair my ankle from a previous break He went in and put some really cool anchors and redesigned how my ligaments and tendons are.. (and fixed them for a stronger more happy ankle)

The one on the left you can not see how it looks like he shoved a golf ball underneath the skin. very swollen and very blue and very painful. He says he will remove the sutures next week, but I am still not able to put any weight on it at all. I did get a scooter that i prop my knee on and scootch with my foot to get from recliner to bed... or bed to bathroom... or bathroom to recliner... but am on pain medication 24 hours a day.

Yesterday when he checked my foot (which is where this photo came from) he had to readjust and reposition frankenfoot. Which really just kind of torked my foot off and it has been angry ever since.

So much so I had to remove the splint on my foot and rest my foot for 24 hours waiting for the splint to be put back on. ( not sure I am looking forward to that)

Frankenfoot and I watched movies that made us bawl like a baby yesterday... we watched

toy story 3 ... and well some oldies but goodies today.

Post op I am finding EVERYTHING makes me cry. I don't know whether to chalk it up to just a funk from being shut off from life itself. No social life is really taking it's toll. I miss work... and I miss people and interacting with them.

or if this is just something that happens after surgery... and dealing with the chronic pain.

I am trying to have a good sense of humor. but have to say that tears are winning over giggles at this point in time.

Mollie Mae Malicious has been totally awesome .. she is like the lapdog I never knew i had.. she never leaves my side... and is content with just laying with me because I can't move.

I might have to change the Malicious part of her name if she keeps it up :)

the surgery ....

I hope your Saturday is going well...

Me I am doing ...ok.. Thursday night I didn't sleep at all, my foot hurt, and I was terribly nervous about surgery.The next morning I got up and got ready. Took a shower , washed my hair, had my mom french braid it so that I didn't have hair all over the place during surgery.

Put my clothes and my boot on, and drove to the hospital, well I rode parents drove me. When we got there I was still very nervous and weepy. I have found I don't like a bunch of chatter and joking around when I am this nervous it seems to just add to the pressure of the situation.

I checked in and got my hospital wrist band, and waited to be called back.

Then my nurse Mary (pre op nurse) came and got me, I took my sister back with me (she drove down to be with me during surgery), I think my mom was upset that I wanted my sister there, but my sister totally gets the nervous thing and we are really close. I just needed her calming presence there. So the nurse came and asked me all sorts of questions .. put an ALLERGY wrist band on me, because i have drug allergies. Then I had to do a pee test.. why ? i don't know .. lol but i did . Grateful for the potty break tho- nerves do this to a girl I think. Then I changed into my patient gown and crawled on the gurney. Then she put the iv in. My sister let me squeeze her hand til it almost came off... lol.

My dad got my crutches and stuff so he would remember to take them to the car. He was pretty fascinated with the crutches .. kept making them bigger and smaller and putting them under his arms .. Then my 64 year old father with crutches under his arms picked them up and acted like they were machine guns... Just goes to show you that boys don't ever leave the man. it was hilarious we laughed quite a bit. My anesthesiologist came over said "Hi I am Ryan ... I am gonna be doing your anesthesia" But I was thinking "omg he is totally handsome and rugged looking ... yay me"

Then he asked me a bunch of questions on how I do with anesthesia .. do i get sick ... hard time waking .. those sort of things. All were yes answers. So he said he would help me the best he could so i could come out of it. My surgery was delayed because my doctor's staff had scheduled patients when he was supposed to be at the hospital . He was really mad at them, and he told me he was sorry he was late that He felt badly that he was not there for me when he promised. (he is a great doctor) Then he wrote on my foot that he would be operating on. (it tickled and he laughed) Then Maggie my surgical nurse came to get me, and wheeled me down the hall- I started crying because of nerves. The surgical halls are VERY cold . The Operating room was freezing ..and there was music " I got the rockin pneumonia and the boogey woogey flu" ... hey he listens to old rock instead of classical.. I think i like this about him. Well besides the fact he is hot .. blonde hair blue eyes. I really am lucky he is a specialist in foot reconstruction. A good doctor .. he explains EVERYTHING so i understand before he does anything. Then I scooted from one table to the next I think I said " ohh here is where I become unladylike" Ryan and my nurse laughed and said "we won't look promise.. as he undid the bows on the back of my patient gown..

He then set up my monitors and had to go underneath my gown near my breast "Sorry sweetie, I know we just met " I laughed and said no biggie, as long as this is part of me getting better it is totally fine. He put an oxygen mask on my face and told me to breathe deep .. and then well the next thing I know I was in recovery and VERY nauseated. They gave me two different drugs for the nausea but it was erally bad.

They then moved me to post op. Where my nurse Tabitha took care of me . She was super nice. I felt really bad because she had to help me with a bed pan twice but that is because they were flushing fluid through me to help me with the nausea... Have I said that Water play is a hard limit for me? Well it is.. I am not into watersports ... lol. I had some dry heaves .. (god I would rather throw up really) but after I felt better I changed into my dress (i brought it because pants would be hard to put over my surgical cast. See above picture. my leg and foot are completely swollen like 20 x the size of my other foot and leg. I have a rash on my thigh and my other leg (not sure what from probably all the medication they have floated through me. They say the swelling will go down once the foot and everything starts healing ... let's hope so I don't want a ginormous left side and a normal right side ffs.

I finally got home around like 8 pm last night i promptly went to bed and slept woke up ate some oyster crackers and had a pain pill. Then fell back asleep for three hours... woke up and nausea was gone. My mom made me some soup. I am pretty much completely incompacitated or however you spell that word.. means I can't care for myself . I have to have someone help me get to the bathroom, help me change .. everything. then someone has to put pillows under my thigh and foot I have to keep it elevated (this is supposed to help with swelling also.

I woke up this morning at 9 crutched to the living room and the recliner, when I got there I fell asleep again until 11. My mom made me a chicken pot pie ... (yum) and i had a couple crackers to help with my pain pill ( i am on a four hour schedule) So mom wakes up so that i can have them on time so I don't go completely into pain. You can never catch up with pain meds if you don't take them right.. you stay in pain. Bleh .. NO THANK YOU.

My next door neighbors brought me a get well card! I thought that was so sweet. Also she rented a redbox movie ... when they are done they bring them to me to watch. I do the same for them. We also switch off our netflixes .. lol.

Waiting for my dinner to get here... and then it will be time for another pain pill .. and I will be asleep again ..

3 days and counting

I am a little nervous writing this post really,

Well maybe a LOT nervous. Saw the surgeon and I am cleared for surgery FRIDAY. YIKES!!!

It all became very real.

I am excited to be able to walk with both of my feet again eventually...

Apparently heal time is 4 weeks .. maybe?

I can not do anything for two weeks AT ALL I must have complete care, which has me in a bit of a pickle. My parents can only stay for three days as they have a work contract that they can not get out of.

I have really had to rely on everything from my mom or my dad. I can not even get a glass of water for myself. It is very... humbling to say the least.

I have to have a wheelchair to go early vote :( sad about this. but I HAVE to vote and I am NOT voiting for Harry REID ... Obviously the 27 years in politics really have NOT been favorable for Nevada. So I have to choose between the worse of two evils.

It bothers me that there is NEVER a strong independent candidate. But really and truly there is just not enough support for an independent or dark horse candidacy. did i spell that right?

Anywho... my opinion only it does not reflect the opinion of readers... Sorry if you disagree.

What else .. OH my little mollie mae has been my constant companion .. very sweet and snuggly with me . I think she is aware of how bad mommy hurts :(.

I am kind of upset that .. none of my friends that said they would be able to help me are able to.

I think that you find out how people really are when you truly are desperate for their help.

Another lesson in strength and endurance for me I guess.

But I guess God would not have brought me to it ... if he isn't going to hold my hand through it.

Thursday ...

I , am in pain.
Today is really bad actually, this pain never stops ... it kind of pulsates and then at moments it extremely sharp and evil.
Yesterday I saw my doctor, the podiatrist / foot surgeon yesterday. I told him that I am feeling a little better in the fact that I am not crying non stop over the pain. That the steroid pack and the pain pills seemed to alleviate it partially, but I still can't walk or do anything. He tried to move my toes but that didn't work .. the tendon is soooo sore from the spur fraying it.
He wanted to give me a shot in my foot to see what my range of motion is.
I looked at him and just told him... " I want this thing OUT" then I paused and said "pleeeaassssee"
He looked at me and told me " I totally support that and we can set it up."
The only problem is it won't be until next week.
Next friday , I will check into the hospital and I will be not only getting the spur out but he is going to do something to help strengthen my ankle.
I would prefer tomorrow.
But, he has had a death in his family and has a funeral to go to.
The only problem is my mom will have to go home before I will be able to care for myself. This is stressful to me. For the last three weeks I have not been able to do anything for myself. I can not get a glass of water. Get in or out of a shower... anything.
I will just keep hoping that it will work out.

Happy Thursday

It is friday eve... it just means another day to me.

My life pretty much consists of perusing the internet - netflix... and tv... alot of tv...

I have discovered I watch too much TRU-tV which is beginning to dampen my belief in humanity. there are some crazy evil people out there.



So I switched to over to LifeTime ...



yeahhhh now I cry with all the sappy chick flicks.

I did see that there is a new show coming out .. on DIY TV - Vanilla Ice... is a certified contractor and will be doing some awesome home repairs.. and I have it on DVR set for tonite. yay

cheesy or not I Luh-ove him ... totally hottie .

So I thought I would pimp his show ... and play some vanilla ice ice baby

Read more about his show here it even shows a really cool video...

things are better... still just dealing .. so tired of being confined... but life goes on .. same day .. same chair !

the one where she feels sorry for herself

Gotta say I am having a pity party and YOU are invited.. So if you don't want to watch me wallow then I suggest you move on to the next blog because I am in full :sorry for myself: mode.
I am really tired of bedrest I am about to go bat shit crazy and it isn't even a funny.
I have two places to hang out the bed or the recliner. Walking between the two is excruciating. Walking to the bathroom is excruciating.

I have had friends who say they will come visit but something always comes up and I am feeling really alone. I am angry ... ANGRY at my ex for being such a selfish jerk. I loved him through all of his inconsistencies and jerk ways... and he couldn't return that... wth??? The fact I am doing this with parental help only is really chapping my ass today.

my day consists of internet ... tv... and sleep... and it is awful. I can't just get in my car and drive somewhere. ... this is a miserable experience.

The fact that the pain NEVER stops is infuriating to me right now. It hurts all of the time. it will go from just being a constant ache to sharp jagged pains that leave me sobbing. Taking a shower is a huge feat because I have to climb over the bathtub to shower . My parents put a shower chair in there but gahhh! so over it allready.

I am a shower everyday person or I feel gross. I have been managing a shower every other day with this. Not to mention that everything in my lower body feels like it has been beaten with a bat.

I am trying to stay positive... maybe use this time to finish the book i am writing - but I am beyond the limits today.

Sorry for venting ... but I don't have ANYONE in my life that is available to me..
I can't believe how alone this feels...
and Don Abbott I hate you! I hate you hate you hate you for being a cowardly lying shit.

sidelined

Sidelined?

Right now I have nothing BUT time on my hands.

I will explain... and then explain some more...

On Saturday, I noticed a little ache in my foot.
Nothing major - just an ache. When I walked it was a little sore. I didn't think much about it, went to bed, and figured that I would wake up and it would be better.

Wrong! It was worse.

Here we are trying to move furniture in and out of my house and I am now unable to even assist. Other than to oil the furniture that is moving in .

By Monday , I fully can not walk or stand, that is how painful it has become. I drive myself to the Emergency Room where they take X-rays and tell me .. not broken ... here is some percocet ... rest your foot. Can I say that percocet ... just makes you sleep... and then when you have pain .. you wake up for a brief moment to enjoy the pain ... and then fall back asleep.I woke up this morning and I have had it. I have cussed my foot out several times - advising it to get with the program and stop hurting so I can get on with life... there is stuff to do and work to be done.

However my left foot apparently has a mind of it's own and chooses to not submit to my attempt at commanding some respect out of it.

I called my chiropractor's office and asked if they knew a specialist . My friend Tracie said no , but she would look through the list on my insurance website and she would try to get me an appointment. She called me back and had an appointment for me at 230 *thank God* .

My dad drove me to the appointment and helped me get into the office - i am not so good on crutches... Where I met with the nicest Doctor. He seemed a little puzzled by my symptoms and thought at first I had gout. To be honest , I thought he was just going to give me a shot in my foot and be done with me ...

But he marked my foot where it hurts, then sent me to the torture chamber... I mean xray.

I sobbed through the whole thing ... so painful. I was sat in another room and waited-

where the doctor said these things while looking at my xray...
"Well ... that's not good"
"hey look at that she has an extra bone in her foot" (yay me?)
and "ohhhhh BUMMER no wonder she is in so much pain"

ok two out of the three freaked me out and not the one you would think about me having an extra bone... I am totally cool with being a freak of nature... just sayin...

So doctor comes in sits down and has "the look" the one that says your foot is fucked up.But he is more eloquent than that and says... "look ... you have every right to be in pain right now... don't let anyone tell you that you are being a baby... you have a bone spur on the top of your foot that is rubbing against your tendon and fraying it. Basically it is threatening to sever your tendon . which is why you are having SO much pain." I just sat there with my jaw agape. He continued with " we are going to try to get the swelling and the pain down to a minimum. Your life for the next two weeks consists of ... ice on 30 minutes ... ice off 30 minutes, you need to buy some books, rent some movies and plan to fall asleep from boredome.... alot.

You are on complete bed rest... Keep the foot up immobilized and that is your life - I will decide in two weeks if you are able to have surgery. Which is the only thing that is going to help you"I tried to comprehend all that he was saying but honestly i just heard :blah blah blah... bedrest.... blah blah blah surgery:Granted I have done more crying in three days than i have ever done in my life. These pains will come out of nowhere and just control my whole world. I can't think ... eat ... sleep.. think... anything when they happen. It is almost like having hard labor in my foot.

but he says that sleep is the body's way of healing itself. Which is what they tell you with HCG too right?

I am off HCG until after surgery.

He has put me on steroids to try and shrink the swelling in my foot.
I will keep you posted as to what is going on... let's hope there is no weight gain with the steroid use..

How's your world?

::THURSDAY::

Had a rude awakening yesterday... really!
I woke up, was in an awesome mood... be-boppin in to work (in spite of this allergy cold thing that is still persisting on kicking my boo-tay) I get on the elevator and I look at Lillian and I ask what day it is... She looks at me and says "Wednesday"

WHAT?

good mood gone... I totally thought it was THURSDAY.

This week has been dragging and d r a g g i n g ... and I am over it all ready.

Although things have been interesting I am ready for the weekend.

I have been dating a little ... my friend Joey ... who I knew before Mr. Assbutt has been calling... (such a good kisser) ... and I actually got asked out by a 24 year old ... (that is Mrs. Robinson to you) Thank you HCG!

Did I go out with him? You bet ... three times and he squeaked in another date by buying the movie Chocolat and telling me we would watch it together. (sneaky little cuss)

I have actually been having a LOT of fun. I am never home anymore- Seems like every weekend I have something going on ... which I like because I am not just sitting there thinking of all the ways my ex hurt me.

I totally blew my hcg diet... because I have been sick and I can't eat ... different things so we are going to do a reboot and get serious. this will be alot easier when my parents go back to New Mexico and things are right in my house.

Mainly because they will be moving their furniture with them and I will have my own stuff in the house with me.

I will let you know how it goes.

I have tons of overtime coming up... and a friend from Arizona is coming in to town for a show. He is excited to see me. I guess we will go out for a bit while he is here.

I feel like I am in college... lol

But I decided I am not second guessing anything and I am moving forward.
Fun is to be had ... you only get one chance at life ...

Tuesday Tiredness

I am exhausted really.
I don't sleep - and yesterday I didn't eat.

The issue with Mr. Abbott is completely over. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I did want to try to have some type of friendship with him . But he will make it impossible.

I facebooked that I didn't understand mindgames after he said he would call again .
And apparently he reactivated his facebook and saw it . Went all crazy and now is NEVER going to talk to me again.
He does not see ANYTHING that he does. EVER!
He is never wrong ... about anything.

He had some saying where it was like "never in doubt-even if i am wrong"

whatever!

He sent this lovely text while I was working ... knowing it would make me cry.

I felt like I needed to explain myself... really? what the heck is wrong with me. I felt like I needed to apologize to HIM after he is the one constantly saying he will call and never does.
So he will never talk to me again... that is fine...
I can't change any of it now.

But it makes so much more sense to me why he is 38 almost 39 years old ... never married.
and he never will be. He doesn't understand that he is going to end up very lonely in the end with all the bridges he burns.

but he is never in doubt... so maybe he will be oblivious to it.

I did re-do my hair ... stayed blonde... added some dark to it. I feel pretty good about that. I am going to get my nails done and I am going to start taking care of me. I will be my priority before anyone else ... and it is going to stay that way.

I am finding you can't pour your heart ... and soul... and love into someone else and not be poured into. It only leaves you empty with no reserves to give any more.

Today is a new day ... and I am going to find the strength to be someone strong.

melting

I have been sick this past week. Stomach flu I think .
I was unable to eat for like 3 days. CG
Bonus for the starvation diet.

So HCG will be a restart.

I had to contact HIM , because i could not find my wax cooker cord. He did respond...unusual for his chicken self. He did try to help me find it via text .. Was not able to find it until the next morning. His text became nicer and he chatted me about nothing really.

NOTHING!

Am I high?

He says he can never hate me...
But he also said he loved me once...
He says I never trust him or never trusted him.
Not true even tho there were always inconsistencies in his stories.

I have come to the conclusion that there will never be closure on this.
EVER!

I had a date last night ... I cried all day getting ready for it. Sobbed actually.
I am going through the motions of a date and my heart belongs to someone who does not love me, who left me.. sick right?

So I got ready... and went to dinner ... then for an ice cream cone and a drink.
I had my door opened for me.
My chair pulled out for me.
and it was fun.

and then I came home and cried more.

Someone please hand me a knife to cut what is left of my heart out.
Because I can not handle living like this anymore.
Perhaps if I was a stone cold bitch that would help.
But I don't know how to be anyone else but who I am.

I don't know why at 4 weeks it hurts more than when it first happened.

Bury me
Bury me in your lies
Bury me in your good intentions
Bury me

I was listening to that Eminem song ... the one with Rhiana or however you spell her name.
the lyrics :
"just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that's all right because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and watch me cry
It's all right because I love the way you lie...
I love the way you lie"

That is kind of how it was ... you know...
He was never mean physically to me. He treated me like a princess most of the time.
But there were times he was mean with his words... Would make me cry. He wouldn't even flinch or feel bad. There would be no apology... it was what it was.
For the most part it was good ... there were things I hated.
Sports betting
Porn.
He doesn't speak to most of his family ... He says they turned his back on him.
But the truth of the matter is more like he turned his back on them.

I wish that I had a magic eraser so I could just scrub every memory from my mind ... and I didn't have to think of it.
Everyone tells me I am better off that this has happened...
Perhaps that is true... But I can not choose who I fell in love with.
I can't force my heart to change the way it feels
It actually makes my skin crawl to think of anyone else trying to kiss me or touch me.

So in order to not think I am logging off here and scrubbing the kitchen ... maybe that will take my mind and put it on other things

sorry I needed to vent... I am just ... in agony ... and dealing.

color me dumb ;)

Started this morning ok ... the alarm went off at 430 and I snoozed til 5 . I am really tired right now but that is a medical thing so ... it should be clearing up in a few days.

Got up let Mollie Mae out.
Took a shower.
Let Mollie Mae back in the house, asked her if she wanted to play while I blowdried my hair.
(yes I know she is a dog ... but she likes to be asked- sometimes she likes to go back and lay on her dog bed until I leave.)
She didn't think this was a bad idea so she followed me to the bathroom. I laid the towel down in the hall and sat down and brushed out my hair while mollie got her two toys of choice.
She promptly laid them down and waited , I started to blow dry my hair and threw the toy -
while she ran for it I did some light stretching .
Which feels good , my muscles have been kind of achy, so it felt painful but good to stretch.
Mollie and I continued to play and she also wanted some pets.
I obliged her and gave her some kisses too.
We had a good morning!
Lately she follows me to the door, she is lonely with Mr. A gone - He stayed home with her during the day and now she is alone.

And then work.
notice i forgot something... yep color me dumb I forgot to inject - and honestly I am feeling it.
feel like crap today. this load day SUCKS !
oh well back on track tomorrow.
along wiht 500 calories.
I am so excited to be back to the grind of it.
I wont be able to tell you how much lost as Mr. A took the scale with him.
::sighs:: oh well. I think I miss the scale more today!

load day 1

Started late , I was going to start yesterday , however I was in such a blah state that I just could not wrap my head around it. I didn't eat yesterday until dinner time , so it would not have been a successful load day.
I woke up this morning and decided today was it. I would not wait one more day to get back on track. I got up gave myself my injection and enjoyed loading.
I had a english muffin with turkey bacon and egg white... i know healthy... but it sure tasted good.
Lunch a hamburger ... thank you carls junior for providing a MOST yummy teriyaki burger.
and for dinner sushi...
honestly i feel like i could rowlf ... but I only have one more day.
Tomorrow for lunch i am having a asian chicken wrap .. I have decided. breakfast and dinner are up in the air.
I am still feeling completely out of sorts.
I have been floating between moments of utter agony and grief to anger and rage. This weekend was not a good one . I went out friday which was fun, but ... Saturday my plans cancelled and so i was home with nothing but my thoughts.
my heart is shattered, and I am sooo angry with him right now... because he is a LIAR.
and he plays emotional terrorist... will say he is going to call and will expect me to be home, to answer ... but doesn't call.
But I am not staying by the phone.
and I don't believe him.
He told me there is noone else and there was never anyone else.
But I no longer believe that either.
he is pushing me from a place of passive aggression to aggression, which is not a normal place for me.
and then I will remember something soft and lovely and wonderful ... and it is like a punch in the gut.
Can someone please tell me ... how to shut my heart off?
How can I stop loving him?
When will it just go away.
How can I turn this anger and push to something greater?
Until I figure it out... I will load tomorrow and then it is 500 calories a day.
Trisha -- you can do it... I know it is hard... just tell yourself being healthy is better than whatever you are craving tastes ;)

Today

I am finding that this post break up ... has it's ups and downs.
I haven't slept much , haven't really done much.
But today I woke up and have been motivated enough to put a list together of STUFF SHARR NEEDS TO DO!
I am going to go home and wash dishes.
Wipe refrigerator shelves down .
laundry.
Yesterday I vacuumed and cleaned the shower.
Alone sucks but if I keep myself busy, it should be no problem.
OH...
Mr. Abbott told me that he took himself off of our insurance policy.... and that it would be showing on Tuesday.
Called the insurance company and BIG SURPRISE- He lied.
So I am being billed for his insurance and mine and ... really ... folks I don't have the money for that.
I was furious. He has the audacity and cowardice to not call me or talk to me or communicate with me ... YET .. he expects that I will pay his insurance with a smile...
NOPE!
I cancelled his car and him off of the insurance effective TODAY!
I have not contacted him as he has made it abundantly clear- that he does not want to speak with me.
I will also be moving his items left at my home OUT. (buh bye)
I have gone from this crying mess to being extremely MAD! I don't want to be mad but I am ... I would much rather be proactive and just get stuff done.
Still sticking with starting HCG on Sunday (got that Trish? we are in it together chica)
I will have to go to the grocery store as my pantry is E M P T Y!

starting a shopping list
chicken
ground bison (yes buffalo)
lean steak
Tuna

broccoli
asparagus
zuccini
cauliflower

Zevia Orange soda ( made with Stevia and OK to drink) I will choose to drink one ONLY when I need to curb a sweet tooth.

I have tilapia.

i am ready for the structure and regimine of HCG.
I feel so much more in control with it.

Other than that ... Happy Wednesday!

Rising from the Ashes

I apologize for not writing... it is hard really - I am trying to find my way up from being pounded into the ground by this break-up.
I am so angry with myself for trusting him, for believing in him.
When all he is .... is a used car salesman.
He offered lip service all of the time ... told me what I wanted to hear... fudged the truth to sell me a story.

Well... me believing him has ended. I have decided to consider him dead, and am no longer waiting for an explanation.

He had sent a text saying that he did love me .. that this was for me.

Well I appreciate the generosity... ::cough::

I have been slowly but surely picking myself up. I still cry off and on, and I wonder how you stop loving someone. How do you harden your heart and just move on... sign me up for that class.

I have not gone back on HCG as of yet. I am planning on starting it on Sunday. I think the only way to get back on track is to get back on HCG and get some control in my life.
I need the structure of it, I think going back on will also help me to get back on track emotionally. My friend John says I should probably talk to someone. But I really don't want to.

Start back on scheduling my whole day ... and handle this robot style for awhile.

Seasons of the Heart

Winter has entered my heart, It's icy fingers are gripping every part of me, and I feel frozen. Stuck in a situation where I have no control. Left in a position where I have no control, and can not express my grief or how much he has hurt me.

I am devastated by this man that I allowed myself to trust.

Allowed myself to love.

I have cried so much that I have been surprised that there is a fresh new supply of tears that still keep coming.

It was so hard to allow myself to care again after my divorce. My ex-husband did me in. Yet here came this person who was funny and unassuming and I believed in him. Believed in the dreams that he created for me... and I loved him.

Part of me always kept this flag up ... protect yourself... don't fall too hard... don't give him your whole heart. But I threw caution to the wind ... and my heart belonged to him.

A sacrafice that I can never get back.

He was brutal and cruel to leave the way he did. Knew it would send me into a level of hell that I have not been in for years. I don't handle emotional cruelty well- With my ex-marriage I would cut to deal with the emotional insecurity and pain... It would numb everything that was screaming inside me and calm me. I have been cut free for a year... and I am having to start over at day 1 2 and three. My legs are slashed to ribbons, and it hasn't numbed anything.

This time I will be feeling everything ... and it never stops.

My sister came and got me on Friday - I stayed with her for two days, she did this to protect me from myself. Which was good.
My friends have been calling and finding things for me to do every single day, keeping me busy.
But it isn't when I am doing things that it gets hard.
It is at night ... when it is quiet and I lay down- and there is no strong arm laying across my waist, or his breath on my hair ... that is when winter sets in and I am cold and alone.
I keep praying for summer to come back to my heart...
But winter is here and I am not seeing a break in the weather anytime soon.

Alone

He left...
Packed all of his things while I was at work... left no note... nothing
It is over...
Thank you to all of my friends on here and your support...
It really means the world to me that you are out there.
I hope that all of your diets go GREAT .

catching up... falling down... picking myself back up.

I know the last few posts have been downers...
this one prolly won't be much better because I am venting.
I talked to Mr. Abbott yesterday... not a good conversation .. he came to the house while I was gone yesterday ... got a change of clothes and left.

I am feeling seriously hurt by him right now... and it only got worse.
He told me that loving me is like parachuting from a plane and being rammed in the ass by the stratosphere needle sometimes. If he was looking for a desired effect of me crying.. he got it.
Itexted him back and told him to stay gone. That obviously his friend is his priority. Me and Mollie are JUST fine. We were fine before and we will continue to be fine.

Honestly , I hate when he is mean with words. I know his intention was to be funny ... but honestly I feel cold. It took EVERYTHING I had not to pack the rest of his belongings and leave them on the lawn for him to pick up. I would rather be hit ... punched in the mouth than talked to that way.

I am tired of consistently making people in my life a priority when I am only an option to them.
SCREW THAT!
I am in it for me now! Selfless equals suffering on my end. I am putting myself first and foremost. Which is completely different from how I have always been.

I am over trying to be something to someone that I can't be. So I am going to be the person that I was made to be.

If this relationship continues... which at this point it will take a dramatic change on his part to do so. Then he will find out that he is a domesticated partner not a king in a castle .

My weightloss journey just got kicked in the hiney and we are full steam ahead.

Look out world ... .the new Sharr is on her way!

new adventures...

with the way things are working out right now ... I am thinking I may have to create a new adventure or a new life.
With losing weight...
and with the way things are happening... I am considering looking for a job that is out of state.
Moving somewhere new.
I read a quote by Mark Twain... "Why not go out on a limb-That's where the fruit is"
Perhaps i need to go out on a limb.

UNDO IT!

I would totally like to un-do the events of this past week.
It seems if ONE thing is going to go wrong ... a bunch of OTHER things jump on board and make it feel like a landslide of crap.
I am getting ready to start back on protocol I went off for a week because it is difficult to take my injections with me when traveling ... ( not really an excuse but I have to keep hcg refrigerated and do not like the thought of traveling in a cooler and not knowing if I will be able to have access to a fridge)
I have not really been eating all that unhealthy .
Or alot of portion size.
I have found that if I over eat even by a few bites ... my stomach hurts or I get sick.
I prefer neither of those options. ;)
So with my car -- ::sigh:: It is still in the shop. I am still worrying about money. More so now.
AND
Mr. Abbott has decided to take a trip down jerkhead road.
pardon me ladies while I vent about this man I adore whom I really want to strangle right now.
His friend Shaun came into town Saturday.
I cleaned house... I mean REALLY cleaned house - baseboards... everything to make sure our home would be presentable to his friend so he could stay with us.
Apparently Mr. Abbott had other plans.
He had his friend Regina.. loan them her house for them to stay in so they could be buddy-buddy for a week while Shaun is here for his pool tournament.
ummm ok?
He did not even say that this is what he wanted to do... Saturday after getting up early and slaving myself over the house on a stress fractured ankle... he tells me as he is walking out the door to pick up Shaun at the airport.
He has not been home in two days.
I am ... hurt.. furious and confused.
It isn't that I don't trust him... I want him to enjoy his time with Shaun they haven't seen each other in 3 years...
But i thought that he would at least ... text.. or call or something.
and I am left wondering ...
Should I be this angry?
Am I stupid... and this is just plain wrong?
I am feeling insecure ... and not sure where this relationship is headed.
I have decided with the alone time that me and my yoga mat... and turbo jam and the gym will be seeing alot more of each other.
That and I am going to catch up with friends I rarely see.
How would you feel if this was your person?
How would you handle it?
am I crazy in being upset?
let me know...
Have a great week ya'll and remember it is make a difference monday - be the change in the world you want to see... perform a random act of kindness for a complete stranger.... and see how awesome it makes you feel ... today I bought coffee for the man behind me in line. :)

ohhhh woe is me...

well.. not woe..
but I am sad.
My poor little focus ... 7100.00 worth of damage. Freaking out just a little.
Driving the rental is nice... but I got to say .. weird. I feel really funky about it.
It isn't my car...
I am worried about when I get my car back that it will not be the same. That it won't drive the same or FEEL the same. It is hard to drive as it is right now.
I am considering trading in my vehicle when I get it back and possibly getting something less small... But I don't know if it is affordable.
I will have to see.
I am sure God will make a way. But right now it is hard to see.
my heart is sooo worried . I really don't have the money for my deductable or anything. Living on my own is really hard .. and honestly money is a constant worry.
All I can do is live life one day at a time...