Had a rude awakening yesterday... really!
I woke up, was in an awesome mood... be-boppin in to work (in spite of this allergy cold thing that is still persisting on kicking my boo-tay) I get on the elevator and I look at Lillian and I ask what day it is... She looks at me and says "Wednesday"
WHAT?
good mood gone... I totally thought it was THURSDAY.
This week has been dragging and d r a g g i n g ... and I am over it all ready.
Although things have been interesting I am ready for the weekend.
I have been dating a little ... my friend Joey ... who I knew before Mr. Assbutt has been calling... (such a good kisser) ... and I actually got asked out by a 24 year old ... (that is Mrs. Robinson to you) Thank you HCG!
Did I go out with him? You bet ... three times and he squeaked in another date by buying the movie Chocolat and telling me we would watch it together. (sneaky little cuss)
I have actually been having a LOT of fun. I am never home anymore- Seems like every weekend I have something going on ... which I like because I am not just sitting there thinking of all the ways my ex hurt me.
I totally blew my hcg diet... because I have been sick and I can't eat ... different things so we are going to do a reboot and get serious. this will be alot easier when my parents go back to New Mexico and things are right in my house.
Mainly because they will be moving their furniture with them and I will have my own stuff in the house with me.
I will let you know how it goes.
I have tons of overtime coming up... and a friend from Arizona is coming in to town for a show. He is excited to see me. I guess we will go out for a bit while he is here.
I feel like I am in college... lol
But I decided I am not second guessing anything and I am moving forward.
Fun is to be had ... you only get one chance at life ...
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Tuesday Tiredness
I am exhausted really.
I don't sleep - and yesterday I didn't eat.
The issue with Mr. Abbott is completely over. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I did want to try to have some type of friendship with him . But he will make it impossible.
I facebooked that I didn't understand mindgames after he said he would call again .
And apparently he reactivated his facebook and saw it . Went all crazy and now is NEVER going to talk to me again.
He does not see ANYTHING that he does. EVER!
He is never wrong ... about anything.
He had some saying where it was like "never in doubt-even if i am wrong"
whatever!
He sent this lovely text while I was working ... knowing it would make me cry.
I felt like I needed to explain myself... really? what the heck is wrong with me. I felt like I needed to apologize to HIM after he is the one constantly saying he will call and never does.
So he will never talk to me again... that is fine...
I can't change any of it now.
But it makes so much more sense to me why he is 38 almost 39 years old ... never married.
and he never will be. He doesn't understand that he is going to end up very lonely in the end with all the bridges he burns.
but he is never in doubt... so maybe he will be oblivious to it.
I did re-do my hair ... stayed blonde... added some dark to it. I feel pretty good about that. I am going to get my nails done and I am going to start taking care of me. I will be my priority before anyone else ... and it is going to stay that way.
I am finding you can't pour your heart ... and soul... and love into someone else and not be poured into. It only leaves you empty with no reserves to give any more.
Today is a new day ... and I am going to find the strength to be someone strong.
I don't sleep - and yesterday I didn't eat.
The issue with Mr. Abbott is completely over. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I did want to try to have some type of friendship with him . But he will make it impossible.
I facebooked that I didn't understand mindgames after he said he would call again .
And apparently he reactivated his facebook and saw it . Went all crazy and now is NEVER going to talk to me again.
He does not see ANYTHING that he does. EVER!
He is never wrong ... about anything.
He had some saying where it was like "never in doubt-even if i am wrong"
whatever!
He sent this lovely text while I was working ... knowing it would make me cry.
I felt like I needed to explain myself... really? what the heck is wrong with me. I felt like I needed to apologize to HIM after he is the one constantly saying he will call and never does.
So he will never talk to me again... that is fine...
I can't change any of it now.
But it makes so much more sense to me why he is 38 almost 39 years old ... never married.
and he never will be. He doesn't understand that he is going to end up very lonely in the end with all the bridges he burns.
but he is never in doubt... so maybe he will be oblivious to it.
I did re-do my hair ... stayed blonde... added some dark to it. I feel pretty good about that. I am going to get my nails done and I am going to start taking care of me. I will be my priority before anyone else ... and it is going to stay that way.
I am finding you can't pour your heart ... and soul... and love into someone else and not be poured into. It only leaves you empty with no reserves to give any more.
Today is a new day ... and I am going to find the strength to be someone strong.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
melting
I have been sick this past week. Stomach flu I think .
I was unable to eat for like 3 days. CG
Bonus for the starvation diet.
So HCG will be a restart.
I had to contact HIM , because i could not find my wax cooker cord. He did respond...unusual for his chicken self. He did try to help me find it via text .. Was not able to find it until the next morning. His text became nicer and he chatted me about nothing really.
NOTHING!
Am I high?
He says he can never hate me...
But he also said he loved me once...
He says I never trust him or never trusted him.
Not true even tho there were always inconsistencies in his stories.
I have come to the conclusion that there will never be closure on this.
EVER!
I had a date last night ... I cried all day getting ready for it. Sobbed actually.
I am going through the motions of a date and my heart belongs to someone who does not love me, who left me.. sick right?
So I got ready... and went to dinner ... then for an ice cream cone and a drink.
I had my door opened for me.
My chair pulled out for me.
and it was fun.
and then I came home and cried more.
Someone please hand me a knife to cut what is left of my heart out.
Because I can not handle living like this anymore.
Perhaps if I was a stone cold bitch that would help.
But I don't know how to be anyone else but who I am.
I don't know why at 4 weeks it hurts more than when it first happened.
Bury me
Bury me in your lies
Bury me in your good intentions
Bury me
I was listening to that Eminem song ... the one with Rhiana or however you spell her name.
the lyrics :
"just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that's all right because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and watch me cry
It's all right because I love the way you lie...
I love the way you lie"
That is kind of how it was ... you know...
He was never mean physically to me. He treated me like a princess most of the time.
But there were times he was mean with his words... Would make me cry. He wouldn't even flinch or feel bad. There would be no apology... it was what it was.
For the most part it was good ... there were things I hated.
Sports betting
Porn.
He doesn't speak to most of his family ... He says they turned his back on him.
But the truth of the matter is more like he turned his back on them.
I wish that I had a magic eraser so I could just scrub every memory from my mind ... and I didn't have to think of it.
Everyone tells me I am better off that this has happened...
Perhaps that is true... But I can not choose who I fell in love with.
I can't force my heart to change the way it feels
It actually makes my skin crawl to think of anyone else trying to kiss me or touch me.
So in order to not think I am logging off here and scrubbing the kitchen ... maybe that will take my mind and put it on other things
sorry I needed to vent... I am just ... in agony ... and dealing.
I was unable to eat for like 3 days. CG
Bonus for the starvation diet.
So HCG will be a restart.
I had to contact HIM , because i could not find my wax cooker cord. He did respond...unusual for his chicken self. He did try to help me find it via text .. Was not able to find it until the next morning. His text became nicer and he chatted me about nothing really.
NOTHING!
Am I high?
He says he can never hate me...
But he also said he loved me once...
He says I never trust him or never trusted him.
Not true even tho there were always inconsistencies in his stories.
I have come to the conclusion that there will never be closure on this.
EVER!
I had a date last night ... I cried all day getting ready for it. Sobbed actually.
I am going through the motions of a date and my heart belongs to someone who does not love me, who left me.. sick right?
So I got ready... and went to dinner ... then for an ice cream cone and a drink.
I had my door opened for me.
My chair pulled out for me.
and it was fun.
and then I came home and cried more.
Someone please hand me a knife to cut what is left of my heart out.
Because I can not handle living like this anymore.
Perhaps if I was a stone cold bitch that would help.
But I don't know how to be anyone else but who I am.
I don't know why at 4 weeks it hurts more than when it first happened.
Bury me
Bury me in your lies
Bury me in your good intentions
Bury me
I was listening to that Eminem song ... the one with Rhiana or however you spell her name.
the lyrics :
"just gonna stand there and watch me burn
that's all right because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and watch me cry
It's all right because I love the way you lie...
I love the way you lie"
That is kind of how it was ... you know...
He was never mean physically to me. He treated me like a princess most of the time.
But there were times he was mean with his words... Would make me cry. He wouldn't even flinch or feel bad. There would be no apology... it was what it was.
For the most part it was good ... there were things I hated.
Sports betting
Porn.
He doesn't speak to most of his family ... He says they turned his back on him.
But the truth of the matter is more like he turned his back on them.
I wish that I had a magic eraser so I could just scrub every memory from my mind ... and I didn't have to think of it.
Everyone tells me I am better off that this has happened...
Perhaps that is true... But I can not choose who I fell in love with.
I can't force my heart to change the way it feels
It actually makes my skin crawl to think of anyone else trying to kiss me or touch me.
So in order to not think I am logging off here and scrubbing the kitchen ... maybe that will take my mind and put it on other things
sorry I needed to vent... I am just ... in agony ... and dealing.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
color me dumb ;)
Started this morning ok ... the alarm went off at 430 and I snoozed til 5 . I am really tired right now but that is a medical thing so ... it should be clearing up in a few days.
Got up let Mollie Mae out.
Took a shower.
Let Mollie Mae back in the house, asked her if she wanted to play while I blowdried my hair.
(yes I know she is a dog ... but she likes to be asked- sometimes she likes to go back and lay on her dog bed until I leave.)
She didn't think this was a bad idea so she followed me to the bathroom. I laid the towel down in the hall and sat down and brushed out my hair while mollie got her two toys of choice.
She promptly laid them down and waited , I started to blow dry my hair and threw the toy -
while she ran for it I did some light stretching .
Which feels good , my muscles have been kind of achy, so it felt painful but good to stretch.
Mollie and I continued to play and she also wanted some pets.
I obliged her and gave her some kisses too.
We had a good morning!
Lately she follows me to the door, she is lonely with Mr. A gone - He stayed home with her during the day and now she is alone.
And then work.
notice i forgot something... yep color me dumb I forgot to inject - and honestly I am feeling it.
feel like crap today. this load day SUCKS !
oh well back on track tomorrow.
along wiht 500 calories.
I am so excited to be back to the grind of it.
I wont be able to tell you how much lost as Mr. A took the scale with him.
::sighs:: oh well. I think I miss the scale more today!
Got up let Mollie Mae out.
Took a shower.
Let Mollie Mae back in the house, asked her if she wanted to play while I blowdried my hair.
(yes I know she is a dog ... but she likes to be asked- sometimes she likes to go back and lay on her dog bed until I leave.)
She didn't think this was a bad idea so she followed me to the bathroom. I laid the towel down in the hall and sat down and brushed out my hair while mollie got her two toys of choice.
She promptly laid them down and waited , I started to blow dry my hair and threw the toy -
while she ran for it I did some light stretching .
Which feels good , my muscles have been kind of achy, so it felt painful but good to stretch.
Mollie and I continued to play and she also wanted some pets.
I obliged her and gave her some kisses too.
We had a good morning!
Lately she follows me to the door, she is lonely with Mr. A gone - He stayed home with her during the day and now she is alone.
And then work.
notice i forgot something... yep color me dumb I forgot to inject - and honestly I am feeling it.
feel like crap today. this load day SUCKS !
oh well back on track tomorrow.
along wiht 500 calories.
I am so excited to be back to the grind of it.
I wont be able to tell you how much lost as Mr. A took the scale with him.
::sighs:: oh well. I think I miss the scale more today!
Monday, September 13, 2010
load day 1
Started late , I was going to start yesterday , however I was in such a blah state that I just could not wrap my head around it. I didn't eat yesterday until dinner time , so it would not have been a successful load day.
I woke up this morning and decided today was it. I would not wait one more day to get back on track. I got up gave myself my injection and enjoyed loading.
I had a english muffin with turkey bacon and egg white... i know healthy... but it sure tasted good.
Lunch a hamburger ... thank you carls junior for providing a MOST yummy teriyaki burger.
and for dinner sushi...
honestly i feel like i could rowlf ... but I only have one more day.
Tomorrow for lunch i am having a asian chicken wrap .. I have decided. breakfast and dinner are up in the air.
I am still feeling completely out of sorts.
I have been floating between moments of utter agony and grief to anger and rage. This weekend was not a good one . I went out friday which was fun, but ... Saturday my plans cancelled and so i was home with nothing but my thoughts.
my heart is shattered, and I am sooo angry with him right now... because he is a LIAR.
and he plays emotional terrorist... will say he is going to call and will expect me to be home, to answer ... but doesn't call.
But I am not staying by the phone.
and I don't believe him.
He told me there is noone else and there was never anyone else.
But I no longer believe that either.
he is pushing me from a place of passive aggression to aggression, which is not a normal place for me.
and then I will remember something soft and lovely and wonderful ... and it is like a punch in the gut.
Can someone please tell me ... how to shut my heart off?
How can I stop loving him?
When will it just go away.
How can I turn this anger and push to something greater?
Until I figure it out... I will load tomorrow and then it is 500 calories a day.
Trisha -- you can do it... I know it is hard... just tell yourself being healthy is better than whatever you are craving tastes ;)
I woke up this morning and decided today was it. I would not wait one more day to get back on track. I got up gave myself my injection and enjoyed loading.
I had a english muffin with turkey bacon and egg white... i know healthy... but it sure tasted good.
Lunch a hamburger ... thank you carls junior for providing a MOST yummy teriyaki burger.
and for dinner sushi...
honestly i feel like i could rowlf ... but I only have one more day.
Tomorrow for lunch i am having a asian chicken wrap .. I have decided. breakfast and dinner are up in the air.
I am still feeling completely out of sorts.
I have been floating between moments of utter agony and grief to anger and rage. This weekend was not a good one . I went out friday which was fun, but ... Saturday my plans cancelled and so i was home with nothing but my thoughts.
my heart is shattered, and I am sooo angry with him right now... because he is a LIAR.
and he plays emotional terrorist... will say he is going to call and will expect me to be home, to answer ... but doesn't call.
But I am not staying by the phone.
and I don't believe him.
He told me there is noone else and there was never anyone else.
But I no longer believe that either.
he is pushing me from a place of passive aggression to aggression, which is not a normal place for me.
and then I will remember something soft and lovely and wonderful ... and it is like a punch in the gut.
Can someone please tell me ... how to shut my heart off?
How can I stop loving him?
When will it just go away.
How can I turn this anger and push to something greater?
Until I figure it out... I will load tomorrow and then it is 500 calories a day.
Trisha -- you can do it... I know it is hard... just tell yourself being healthy is better than whatever you are craving tastes ;)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Today
I am finding that this post break up ... has it's ups and downs.
I haven't slept much , haven't really done much.
But today I woke up and have been motivated enough to put a list together of STUFF SHARR NEEDS TO DO!
I am going to go home and wash dishes.
Wipe refrigerator shelves down .
laundry.
Yesterday I vacuumed and cleaned the shower.
Alone sucks but if I keep myself busy, it should be no problem.
OH...
Mr. Abbott told me that he took himself off of our insurance policy.... and that it would be showing on Tuesday.
Called the insurance company and BIG SURPRISE- He lied.
So I am being billed for his insurance and mine and ... really ... folks I don't have the money for that.
I was furious. He has the audacity and cowardice to not call me or talk to me or communicate with me ... YET .. he expects that I will pay his insurance with a smile...
NOPE!
I cancelled his car and him off of the insurance effective TODAY!
I have not contacted him as he has made it abundantly clear- that he does not want to speak with me.
I will also be moving his items left at my home OUT. (buh bye)
I have gone from this crying mess to being extremely MAD! I don't want to be mad but I am ... I would much rather be proactive and just get stuff done.
Still sticking with starting HCG on Sunday (got that Trish? we are in it together chica)
I will have to go to the grocery store as my pantry is E M P T Y!
starting a shopping list
chicken
ground bison (yes buffalo)
lean steak
Tuna
broccoli
asparagus
zuccini
cauliflower
Zevia Orange soda ( made with Stevia and OK to drink) I will choose to drink one ONLY when I need to curb a sweet tooth.
I have tilapia.
i am ready for the structure and regimine of HCG.
I feel so much more in control with it.
Other than that ... Happy Wednesday!
I haven't slept much , haven't really done much.
But today I woke up and have been motivated enough to put a list together of STUFF SHARR NEEDS TO DO!
I am going to go home and wash dishes.
Wipe refrigerator shelves down .
laundry.
Yesterday I vacuumed and cleaned the shower.
Alone sucks but if I keep myself busy, it should be no problem.
OH...
Mr. Abbott told me that he took himself off of our insurance policy.... and that it would be showing on Tuesday.
Called the insurance company and BIG SURPRISE- He lied.
So I am being billed for his insurance and mine and ... really ... folks I don't have the money for that.
I was furious. He has the audacity and cowardice to not call me or talk to me or communicate with me ... YET .. he expects that I will pay his insurance with a smile...
NOPE!
I cancelled his car and him off of the insurance effective TODAY!
I have not contacted him as he has made it abundantly clear- that he does not want to speak with me.
I will also be moving his items left at my home OUT. (buh bye)
I have gone from this crying mess to being extremely MAD! I don't want to be mad but I am ... I would much rather be proactive and just get stuff done.
Still sticking with starting HCG on Sunday (got that Trish? we are in it together chica)
I will have to go to the grocery store as my pantry is E M P T Y!
starting a shopping list
chicken
ground bison (yes buffalo)
lean steak
Tuna
broccoli
asparagus
zuccini
cauliflower
Zevia Orange soda ( made with Stevia and OK to drink) I will choose to drink one ONLY when I need to curb a sweet tooth.
I have tilapia.
i am ready for the structure and regimine of HCG.
I feel so much more in control with it.
Other than that ... Happy Wednesday!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Rising from the Ashes
I apologize for not writing... it is hard really - I am trying to find my way up from being pounded into the ground by this break-up.
I am so angry with myself for trusting him, for believing in him.
When all he is .... is a used car salesman.
He offered lip service all of the time ... told me what I wanted to hear... fudged the truth to sell me a story.
Well... me believing him has ended. I have decided to consider him dead, and am no longer waiting for an explanation.
He had sent a text saying that he did love me .. that this was for me.
Well I appreciate the generosity... ::cough::
I have been slowly but surely picking myself up. I still cry off and on, and I wonder how you stop loving someone. How do you harden your heart and just move on... sign me up for that class.
I have not gone back on HCG as of yet. I am planning on starting it on Sunday. I think the only way to get back on track is to get back on HCG and get some control in my life.
I need the structure of it, I think going back on will also help me to get back on track emotionally. My friend John says I should probably talk to someone. But I really don't want to.
Start back on scheduling my whole day ... and handle this robot style for awhile.
I am so angry with myself for trusting him, for believing in him.
When all he is .... is a used car salesman.
He offered lip service all of the time ... told me what I wanted to hear... fudged the truth to sell me a story.
Well... me believing him has ended. I have decided to consider him dead, and am no longer waiting for an explanation.
He had sent a text saying that he did love me .. that this was for me.
Well I appreciate the generosity... ::cough::
I have been slowly but surely picking myself up. I still cry off and on, and I wonder how you stop loving someone. How do you harden your heart and just move on... sign me up for that class.
I have not gone back on HCG as of yet. I am planning on starting it on Sunday. I think the only way to get back on track is to get back on HCG and get some control in my life.
I need the structure of it, I think going back on will also help me to get back on track emotionally. My friend John says I should probably talk to someone. But I really don't want to.
Start back on scheduling my whole day ... and handle this robot style for awhile.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
