Seasons of the Heart

Winter has entered my heart, It's icy fingers are gripping every part of me, and I feel frozen. Stuck in a situation where I have no control. Left in a position where I have no control, and can not express my grief or how much he has hurt me.

I am devastated by this man that I allowed myself to trust.

Allowed myself to love.

I have cried so much that I have been surprised that there is a fresh new supply of tears that still keep coming.

It was so hard to allow myself to care again after my divorce. My ex-husband did me in. Yet here came this person who was funny and unassuming and I believed in him. Believed in the dreams that he created for me... and I loved him.

Part of me always kept this flag up ... protect yourself... don't fall too hard... don't give him your whole heart. But I threw caution to the wind ... and my heart belonged to him.

A sacrafice that I can never get back.

He was brutal and cruel to leave the way he did. Knew it would send me into a level of hell that I have not been in for years. I don't handle emotional cruelty well- With my ex-marriage I would cut to deal with the emotional insecurity and pain... It would numb everything that was screaming inside me and calm me. I have been cut free for a year... and I am having to start over at day 1 2 and three. My legs are slashed to ribbons, and it hasn't numbed anything.

This time I will be feeling everything ... and it never stops.

My sister came and got me on Friday - I stayed with her for two days, she did this to protect me from myself. Which was good.
My friends have been calling and finding things for me to do every single day, keeping me busy.
But it isn't when I am doing things that it gets hard.
It is at night ... when it is quiet and I lay down- and there is no strong arm laying across my waist, or his breath on my hair ... that is when winter sets in and I am cold and alone.
I keep praying for summer to come back to my heart...
But winter is here and I am not seeing a break in the weather anytime soon.

Alone

He left...
Packed all of his things while I was at work... left no note... nothing
It is over...
Thank you to all of my friends on here and your support...
It really means the world to me that you are out there.
I hope that all of your diets go GREAT .

catching up... falling down... picking myself back up.

I know the last few posts have been downers...
this one prolly won't be much better because I am venting.
I talked to Mr. Abbott yesterday... not a good conversation .. he came to the house while I was gone yesterday ... got a change of clothes and left.

I am feeling seriously hurt by him right now... and it only got worse.
He told me that loving me is like parachuting from a plane and being rammed in the ass by the stratosphere needle sometimes. If he was looking for a desired effect of me crying.. he got it.
Itexted him back and told him to stay gone. That obviously his friend is his priority. Me and Mollie are JUST fine. We were fine before and we will continue to be fine.

Honestly , I hate when he is mean with words. I know his intention was to be funny ... but honestly I feel cold. It took EVERYTHING I had not to pack the rest of his belongings and leave them on the lawn for him to pick up. I would rather be hit ... punched in the mouth than talked to that way.

I am tired of consistently making people in my life a priority when I am only an option to them.
SCREW THAT!
I am in it for me now! Selfless equals suffering on my end. I am putting myself first and foremost. Which is completely different from how I have always been.

I am over trying to be something to someone that I can't be. So I am going to be the person that I was made to be.

If this relationship continues... which at this point it will take a dramatic change on his part to do so. Then he will find out that he is a domesticated partner not a king in a castle .

My weightloss journey just got kicked in the hiney and we are full steam ahead.

Look out world ... .the new Sharr is on her way!

new adventures...

with the way things are working out right now ... I am thinking I may have to create a new adventure or a new life.
With losing weight...
and with the way things are happening... I am considering looking for a job that is out of state.
Moving somewhere new.
I read a quote by Mark Twain... "Why not go out on a limb-That's where the fruit is"
Perhaps i need to go out on a limb.

UNDO IT!

I would totally like to un-do the events of this past week.
It seems if ONE thing is going to go wrong ... a bunch of OTHER things jump on board and make it feel like a landslide of crap.
I am getting ready to start back on protocol I went off for a week because it is difficult to take my injections with me when traveling ... ( not really an excuse but I have to keep hcg refrigerated and do not like the thought of traveling in a cooler and not knowing if I will be able to have access to a fridge)
I have not really been eating all that unhealthy .
Or alot of portion size.
I have found that if I over eat even by a few bites ... my stomach hurts or I get sick.
I prefer neither of those options. ;)
So with my car -- ::sigh:: It is still in the shop. I am still worrying about money. More so now.
AND
Mr. Abbott has decided to take a trip down jerkhead road.
pardon me ladies while I vent about this man I adore whom I really want to strangle right now.
His friend Shaun came into town Saturday.
I cleaned house... I mean REALLY cleaned house - baseboards... everything to make sure our home would be presentable to his friend so he could stay with us.
Apparently Mr. Abbott had other plans.
He had his friend Regina.. loan them her house for them to stay in so they could be buddy-buddy for a week while Shaun is here for his pool tournament.
ummm ok?
He did not even say that this is what he wanted to do... Saturday after getting up early and slaving myself over the house on a stress fractured ankle... he tells me as he is walking out the door to pick up Shaun at the airport.
He has not been home in two days.
I am ... hurt.. furious and confused.
It isn't that I don't trust him... I want him to enjoy his time with Shaun they haven't seen each other in 3 years...
But i thought that he would at least ... text.. or call or something.
and I am left wondering ...
Should I be this angry?
Am I stupid... and this is just plain wrong?
I am feeling insecure ... and not sure where this relationship is headed.
I have decided with the alone time that me and my yoga mat... and turbo jam and the gym will be seeing alot more of each other.
That and I am going to catch up with friends I rarely see.
How would you feel if this was your person?
How would you handle it?
am I crazy in being upset?
let me know...
Have a great week ya'll and remember it is make a difference monday - be the change in the world you want to see... perform a random act of kindness for a complete stranger.... and see how awesome it makes you feel ... today I bought coffee for the man behind me in line. :)

ohhhh woe is me...

well.. not woe..
but I am sad.
My poor little focus ... 7100.00 worth of damage. Freaking out just a little.
Driving the rental is nice... but I got to say .. weird. I feel really funky about it.
It isn't my car...
I am worried about when I get my car back that it will not be the same. That it won't drive the same or FEEL the same. It is hard to drive as it is right now.
I am considering trading in my vehicle when I get it back and possibly getting something less small... But I don't know if it is affordable.
I will have to see.
I am sure God will make a way. But right now it is hard to see.
my heart is sooo worried . I really don't have the money for my deductable or anything. Living on my own is really hard .. and honestly money is a constant worry.
All I can do is live life one day at a time...

California and other such adventures....

So ...
Mr. Abbott and I left for California on Thursday after I got off work. We were going to stay at the Marriott but they were 100 percent occupancy. So our friend Hany got us a room at the Fairfield in Anaheim Hills .
Nice big room with a jacuzzi tub... woot woot.
Friday we got up and had breakfast ...
I should have started by saying this is a non hcg endorsed trip ... lol
we ate at ... the corner bakery ... I had a sandwich and i have to say it tasted just like something my Nana used to make. SO GOOD!
Then we headed over to Garvey Snacks to look at their dried fruit and nuts ... also some of the candy products which will go on the website for Mr. Abbott.
We toured the facility and Mr. Garvey truly is a very nice man.
Please pray for his daughter Tatiana who has a tumor which has caused blindness.
She is 26.
We then drove back to the Marriott where I hung out and Mr. Abbott and Hany had a business meeting and I hung out in the lounge, sipping water and waiting while writing a little.
When they came back we had dinner A california stack - crab on a wonton wrapper with a wasabi sauce... OMG soooo good.
And pizza. (remind me to kill him for bringing pizza in themix.
We went back to the hotel and I passed out cold I was so tired.
Woke up and Mr Abbott decided we were going to go home.
We detoured by Balboa island .. that was fun ... but I was soooo sad to leave SoCal.
We drove home ... I pouted.
Sunday I stayed home from the farmers market - which was ... HIS punishment for not keeping his promise about taking one weekend for ourselves.
I went to work this morning ... the road I normally take was closed so I was rerouted back to Las Vegas Blvd... and had to turn back around and go to Jones.
BAD DAY BREWING!
Got to work ... more than cranky customers ... bleh
Then went to lunch was headed to Carl's Jr. to get a sprite. my stomach was upset.
and I was in an accident. I am not sure but my car is possibly totalled.
I have a concussion ... a compressed ankle... and ... a bruised knee..
Was at the accident scene FOREVER til the police released me ... to the doctor cuz I hit my head.
i am tired and will be heading to bed soon...
Hope all is well with you.

For Today… Wednesday August 11th
Outside my window... it is cooling down – 79 degrees at 5 am with only a chance of low 100s
I am thinking... I am tired and really do need a vacation
I am thankful for... the day we had at the Farmer’s market visiting and walking our dog- we didn’t work this one so it was nice to just look around. Mollie enjoyed the time at the park so it was AWESOME
I am wearing... signature black pants and a burgundy shirt – with a ponytail on top!
I am remembering... my boy Samson – he was a good golden retriever – I miss him greatly.I am going... to California with Mr. Abbott- we have a business trip but it will be nice to sleep in the car J
I am hoping... for a restored and whole relationship with my former stepchildren
On my mind... finances. And Mr. Abbott finding a job.
From the learning rooms… I am actually considering taking some college classes.
Noticing that... It is getting cooler here in Las Vegas only 79 at 5 am this morning what a blessing!!
Pondering these words... If you are going to cast thorns- be prepared to wear shoes! (Italian proverb)
From the kitchen… chicken chimchurri with fresh zuccini
One of my favorite things: hugs and kisses from my little mollie mae when I get home – it is the only time she is truly affectionate.
A few plans for the rest of the week: I’m goin back to cali … cali … cali… (thank you ll cool j)

Good feeling .... Gone...

feeling very VERY frustrated right now.
I am feeling alot of stress still.... Plus Mr. Abbott is having one of those weeks where he is being kind of a jerk.
OH WELL.
circle of life and all.
I am sure I am not always his favorite person either.
Anywho ... kind of a bad day at work yesterday .. still recovering.
then no sleep last night. double bleh.
Went out with Susan today... we had girl time that was cool.
O.o I forgot to tell you about the loose leaf tea that I bought I got one called BERRY BLAST it is simply amazing ... it is now my favorite tea. :)
anywho... bad week but life is good

What to do with ALL those strawberries?

Well, after receiving the flat of strawberries... I had to figure out what to do with all of them ... because we definitely wouldn't be able to eat all of them.
I have been really hungry for salad. SO I figured... why not make a salad dressing?
I mean I eat strawberries in spinach salad ... and I like them .. so Why not?!
now mind you I made this dressing up so I will have no accurate measurements or anything ...
I put two handfuls of strawberries in the food processor.
I added a clove of garlic
stevia (2 packs)
pinch of salt
pinch of pepper
coconut oil (next time I will use olive oil if I don't want the caribbean flavor)
lime juice (about a quarter of a cup)
red wine vinegar ( i am thinking rice wine vinegar might be nice next time)
I served this over salad greens (i also chopped some cucumber and zuccini for mr. abbott)
Now I am thinking after eating this I would slice a whole cucumber and put dressing over the top... YUM
but it was ESPECIALLY good with the chicken which I seasoned with garlic ,kosher salt , and paprika and a touch of pepper.

it was good and something different. I was a little nervous about it because I was inventing something.
I want to tweak the recipe because I think it can taste better ... so if any of you have any suggestions... I am all over it.
What else
Oh yeah I worked an 8 hour day .
THEN I came home mopped both bathroom floors cleaned the OUTSIDE of the toilets
Dusted the wood furniture...
Watered all of the plants around the house and on the outside of the house.
Have I mentioned the heat is stifling here?
Then I came in and cooked the above dinner.
::yawn::
feeling really tired... REALLY.
I am thinking of using that bathbomb and shea butter soap and relaxing in the tub.
I soooo wish I had one of those big roman tubs to really enjoy it... BUT no such luck ... little bathtub.. little bath time .. :)
What else ... OH yes...
True Blood last night... I really do love this show... no matter how bloody and raw it gets...
I am so glad I read the books before this show came out... it just makes it that much better ;)
I sat down and added a LIST of movies to my netflix account.
We don't go out much anymore so ... movie nights are in.
my major craving for the day is a coca cola slurpee... actually for the last 4 days..

but, for now, I am enjoying spending some snuggle time with my little shih-tzu Mollie Mae.
It is a lovely evening now that my feet are up!

Still recovering from the dehydration from yesterday . Have been guzzling water! but my legs and butt cheeks are still very crampy.

I was listening to Jesus Jones' Right here Right Now... and I am soooo loving the line where it says "You know it feels good , to be alive"
I think that will be my theme for the week... because even with painful muscles ... It really feels good to be alive ;)

Farmer's Market Sunday

SOOOOOOO EXHAUSTED!!

worked the farmers market from 8:00 to 1pm.

I am NOT loving the fact that one of my days off are taken away. But I do like helping Mr. Abbott, and it really is a kick in the pants to meet new people and especially the other vendors . Ron the strawberry guy is really nice and we trade him pistachios for strawberries..

A few weeks ago I met this family who is originally from Bolivia, his mom makes home-made soaps and lotions and other items.

We gave him Brazil nuts today and some of the Strawberries that Ron gave us, and he came back and gave us some shea butter soap and a bath bomb ... (so can't wait to use that)

I bought some loose leaf tea and a tea maker . YUM. Cant wait to use that tomorrow.

I am not meant for heat... (just saying )

Freaking Las Vegas Summers... the only reason to move ...

well.. not the only reason.

I got really sick when I got home . My arms and legs hurt (dehydration) this is WITH drinking 2 gallons of water today AND A gatorade G2. My calves are very crampy .. The foot I broke last may swelled up and I had to stick it in an ice bath when I got home ...

I totally forgot to do my shot today ... I can't believe it .. I never forget.

Oh well start back up tomorrow and go from there.

Funny that even with no shot I am craving something like a nice cold saladwith maybe some chicken strips in it.

I wish I had a day off tomorrow. I know I would sleep most of the day ... but alas.. no rest for the weary I will be up at 430 am and at work at 6.

have I stated that I am SO over being a grown up?