The Battle with the Scale ...

So I am having issues with weighing EVERYDAY!

First of all I hate seeing what I weigh everyday. I am aware of it... but ... I don't have to see it everyday.

I do like the days I do lose weight... but the perfectionist in me wants a big number everyday.. which is unrealistic.. I do get this.

But it really screws with my head.

Things are really good otherwise. My guy and I are just... meant to be. It is the weirdest thing to realize this. I feel so Jerry McGuire, because in a sense he really does complete me. It is so .. strange.

Yesterday I was feeling very down .. very out of control. Not feeling my diet my life ... anything. I tried to talk to him about it and all I got from him was logical. I really needed him to be emotional .

Today he seemed to get that and was much more so.

It does not look like our destination will be San Francisco.
That looks like it is changing quite quickly.
Looks like So-Cal may be on the menu.

We... shall...see.


oh well I food prepped two hamburger pattys for tomorrow and steamed asparagus.
With HCG sleep is required.
So strange that my body just shuts down and says sleep NOW .
I went to bed early last night ... and then came home and took a nap today.
I figure that there is a reason for it. I don't normally sleep either well, or long..
But now... I do.

Craving for the day.... cheesy potato soup actually my mom's zuppa toscana...
not on the plan so it was like having needles drilled under my nails while everyone ate this evening... While I ate hamburger patty and asparagus. I am also dreaming .... of banana pudding with bananas and vanilla wafers...

But I don't they can taste as good as 17 pounds feels gone.

Mornin!

So I totally went off the reservation last night.

Parents took me to dinner and I hada salad but i ate waaaaay too much and mostly because I waited too long to eat in the first place.

My stomach HURT!

It has shrunk so much that it didn't take much to fill up.

I didn't take a hit on the scale... but perhaps it is because I grabbed mollie and went for a long walk to try to ease the belly-ache.

NO MORE OF THAT MISTAKE ... I felt awful.

I am getting alot of flack from people about the 500 calorie a day plan.
But they don't seem to understand that the hcg pulls my abnormal fat and it is like my body is still getting 1200-1500 calories.

HATERS!

Actually they love me and are worried that this will turn into some kind of eating disorder.

I don't think so .

I do confess I can understand a person who does have an eating disorder. It is the control over something that once controlled you.

I finally feel in control of every bite that goes into my body ...
and confession....
It feels good!

17 pounds wooo hoooo

SO.....

Don came home and I was so excited to see him. It was good to kiss and hold each other.

I was busy most of the weekend we had made plans for lots of things but I also did his laundry and did our food prep. Well... his food prep for the next few days .

He has lost 25 lbs and I have lost 17 .


This is the total AFTER the hydrocolonic.

We woke up yesterday about 8 am , I seperated clothes - got in the shower and prepared to go for the hydrocolonic. We got there and the girl was totally cool. She walked us through the entire procedure. The machine is like a bike that you lay down on...

It was a very uncomfortable bike ride...

But I actually felt great after and I am actually looking forward to our next session in two weeks.

I also went and had a massage at the massage school .

I went in, and you don't really get a choice of who massages you. I prefer a girl since ... well i am a girl and I am a little shy of naked places with a man I don't know.
But ... luck of the draw I got a guy.

Steven.

He was great. We laughed and joked and he was totally sweet to me. Got a great massage and I feel amazing.

Don left today, and i am feeling so sad.

I have cried and cried.

took the turtles out and watched them play in the yard ... played fetch with mollie... it was a good thing to take my mind off of everything.

and now here comes Monday again.

arrrrrrrrgh!!!!

1 lb lost today - that is the bright note.

I would like more but a pound is a pound and I see "seeya sucker"

woke up late... alarm clock didn't go off... so I am freaking out. I wasn't able to shower or anything for work... I hate that.

I have to shower and wash my hair everyday.
But oh well here I am nasty at work. bleh

Eating my apple for breakfast ...

Then 4 oz of chicken and salad for lunch.

it is going to be a long day....
but my baby is coming home today ... wooh oooo

blah bad bad bad day

ugh this day sucks ...
no weight loss
I am feeling terribly just over myself .. and most people in my life.
I don't know if this is from customers chewing my butt all morning ... or if this is just part of the emotional fall out of trying to lose weight and feeling like a failure.

Woot Woot

Lost 3 more pounds... I think I love that I am doing all my cooking ahead of time... it makes it so easy to carry lunch to work... and I am not eating any processed foods...

I made asian inspired chicken I soaked in rice wine vinegar and garlic... pepper some adobo seasoning.. ( I didn't have tarragon which would have been better.)

I made cucumbers with rice wine vinegar a packet of stevia and pepper

and I really can't wait for lunch.

I am eating my apple right now... I think Fuji's are my fave .. they are crisper and don't get mealy when you bite into them.

I will let you know how everything tastes later ... :)

End of Day 4

and i am glad it is over...
work is very stressful right now .. very busy. bleh
I am ready for some time off ...
I went ahead and made 3 more days of meals ...
chicken with rice wine vinegar marinade, pepper , adobo seasoning. I wish I would have had some tarragon.
what else?
oh yes...
sleep is gonna feel sooo good tonite.

Tuesday ...

So ... last night I cleaned house did laundry and ... talked with Don.
We laughed and talked like we normally do when he is here.. that is good . It has been very strained since he has been in San Francisco.

Maybe it is insecurity on my part.

This morning I woke up 10 minutes earlier weighed down 1 lb and finished folding laundry .

A little hesitation on the shot only because the needle looked so freaking long

Apple for breakfast

Tilapia for lunch

and work work work

I have a colonic scheduled for Saturday... and a massage...
THAT will be nice.

life is good! feeling a lot of energy today... I think I got measurements right on food today.
AND I took all my supplements.

life is definitely GOOD

feeling tired.

Today I feel ... tired.

Not enough sleep last night . I am counting the days until Don is home ... and then I only get to see him for two days. It isn't enough ... not by a long shot.

Small victory: NO HESITATION on injection this morning ... can I get a woot woot?
I did a small victory dance in the kitchen while my mollie looked at me like I had gone half mad.

Ate my apple this morning this morning it was a red delicious and I wasn't impressed. It was kind of soft. I really do prefer a crisper apple . Maybe I should stick them in the refrigerator and they might be better cold .

I am going to eat one of the 4 oz hamburger pattys I made yesterday and eat it with a green salad with red wine vinegar. I also brought some peach tea with me so I am making peach iced tea.

Only 2 lbs of weight loss overnight. I do not feel this is a failure ... sure I would like to lose more but ... apparently 2 lbs is better than NO pounds.

I plan on scheduling myself a hydrocolonic - this was reccomended to help really kick off the diet plan. This is fine as they are supposed to really be good for you. I am not really looking forward to going but at least noone can tell me I am full of crap anymore...

I think the next item would be a massage... now THAT I would look forward to ... and probably be alot more enthusiastic about going .

Today I have an eye doctor appointment which is good ... Will take care of that... and then order my contacts and glasses.

I am thinking ordering in bulk is best ;)

Anywho ... happy monday.... make it a good one and do it on purpose!

Sunday Evening ...

Busy day...

Ate my apple... then I went over and hung out with my friend Justin ... We made lunch together.. using his George Foreman Grill We made 4oz lean hamburgers, and baby spinach ... YUM
it was something that actually made me feel like I was getting something more than I had. Delicious.

Then we went to the movies ...
Saw Date night *again* and then we saw Kick Ass.

Laughed my face off with Date night *again*
Kick Ass wasn't what I expected... Was it completely horrible?
NO
but it is definitely a cable or netflix movie

then we went home and made dinner ... ( I actually made my next 3 days meals) We cooked hamburger - Tilapia - and for him chicken.
I ate Tilapia and a green salad...

Now I am home ... got to talk to Don .. he is in a better mood tonite... that is good.

The Demon of Chocolate Chip Cookies.

So on your first day of 500 calories ... The demon of chocolate chip cookies shows up... taunting .. and forcing you to want to go get chocolate chip cookie dough .

and I rebuked the demon and sent it to hell.

So.... then talked to my guy ... and what?

He was griping at me ... yelling ... having issues. Just generally being mean to me.

I told him I didn't want to talk to him unless he started talking nice to me.

So he says " I have told you I care about you... I told you I love you... I told you I miss you, but you have been putting alot of pressure on me ... in the the last two weeks asking me questions and you just don't understand my predicament. "

so the nice and the verbal slap in the face...

oh well...
he finally says " maybe we should just talk tomorrow and start fresh."

yeah ok.

So I woke up this morning I have lost 6 count them 1 2 3 4 5 6 pounds.

That feels better than giving in to the Chocolate Chip Cookie Demon.

I gave myself a shot this morning this time in my right thigh .. and it ... didn't hurt.
and I didn't hesitate THAT much.

Ate an apple for breakfast and am going to the movies with my bff and fabulous person Justin.
that should be fun.

off for a rockin day... will write more later. :)

Finishing out day 1 of protocol

Ok ... so it hasn't been ridiculously tough... The 500 calories I mean ... I won't lie I have been hungry, but, I think it is because I am not drinking enough water today. I also took my vitamins in the afternoon. I think with the decrease in food I need to increase my vitamins.

For my 2nd fruit I had a bowl of Strawberries (about 4 or 5) with a little stevia on them.

Totally delicious.

Then for dinner I decided to use some of the chicken that I had prepared earlier. I didn't have any broccoli so I decided to use zuccini . I cut the whole zuccini's in half and then peeled them , then I chopped them in long strips and then put them in a pan and steamed them. Once they were through steaming I added approximately 4 oz of chicken to the pan to make sure it heated the chicken all the way through. Once done I put them on the plate and sprinkled Adobo seasoning and salt and pepper.

and it was very satisfying.

I felt a little sleepy around 12 noon and took about an hour nap.

Which was good, I had taken my car in for service this morning and I had to go pick it up.

Frustrated that I have been trying to get the carpet fixed in my focus for sometime and the dealership kept basically "bandaiding" it . they would stuff it back under and tell me it was fixed.

Well... now I am getting a whole new carpet... AND siderails.

I also had a motor mount that had broken ... they fixed that too. I love warranty on a new car.

Tonight I am going to light some candles ( I make and sell them ) after I clean the kitchen. I will finish up the laundry ... and I will find some good movie to watch ...

I just wish Don was home... I miss him.

but for now Saturday ... home alone.

the Last hurrah?

Nah not really ...

Day 1 of Protocol

Last Load day before I start just eating 500 calories a day.

I had a doughnut I also went to Taco Bell had 2 mexi melts (gag) I felt sick after eating them, remember I told you I had started really cutting the crap out of my diet. Then later my friend Susan and I went to Fuji for sushi and hibachi grill.. omgosh it was SO good.
I think I could eat my dog's weight in california rolls. But the rice made me feel so full that it alomost made me feel beyond miserable.

After we went to see the movie Date Night with Tina Fey and Steve Carrell (sp?) . That movie was soooooo funny that I think my face still hurts from laughing so hard. The bloopers at the end are wayyyy too funny.

I struggled with the stupid shot again this morning..,.. (eff word) It makes me so angry that I can't get out of my head to just do it immediately without hesitating.

I had an apple for breakfast.

right now I am cooking steamed broccoli and chicken for lunch .

Chicken
1 tsp of lemon juice

thyme

salt

pepper

garlic salt

steamed broccoli

seasoned with

Adobo seasoning

Salt

pepper

I went to the Sunflower market and picked up

*Organic chicken
* Organic lean ground beef
* Organic Strawberries
* Organic apples
* Organic baby spinach
* Organic cucumbers
* lemon juice
* red wine vinegar ( i want rice wine vinegar tho)
* green tea
* organic spices.
* multi vitamin
* potassium
* magnesium

I still need 5 oz cans of tuna -
and... asparagus

My sister has a george foreman grill that I can use
AND she has lime juice.

I will post some facts about the HCG diet for those who are wondering what the heck I am talking about . ( this will be a different post )

I will also download some pictures as well.

I will post pictures of my meals ... and tell you what tastes best as well as make sure I document my successes and failures.

Life is good :) I feel a little hungry today but I think that is more my mind freaking out at 500 calories . Yesterday on my load day... I wasn't hungry at all.

More ... in a bit. After all Lunch is ready :)

I cut the chicken into very thin slices

(trying to trick the mind that it is getting more)

However

still have to cut those stalks off of the broccoli

Hesitation.

So, I got up , peed and weighed this morning I am 1 lb down on a load day?

AWESOME!

But I realize that some victories are short lived...

I am still hesitating when giving myself a shot. It is like I have to "psych" myself up .

and here is the thing it isn't because it hurts, because it doesn't ... I am just a baby.. ::sheesh::

Was almost starving when I woke up. But, I ate an apple and I feel ...FULL.

I am on day two of my load days so I need to eat something with alot more caloric value. Fridays are donut days at work So whenever Carl the donut guy comes I will have a donut... but in reality I don't even feel hungry.

Right now I am making myself a cup of tea. ohp and carl is here more later.

Feeling Trapped in My Own Body.

So, My day is coming to a close and I am feeling somewhat tired.
I have felt alot of energy today .
I am supposed to load up on calories today ... eat what I want and honestly i am not really that hungry ...

I came clean with Don over the whole starting HCG and not telling him. I just can't be deceptive with him. I love him.

I tried explaining that him starting the protocol without me really hurt me. That I felt like he wanted me to stay fat. He says it is because he wanted to start first to protect me.

So I tell him I am sorry.

He tells me ... if you wanted to lose weight so bad ... then why didn't you do something a year ago or two years ago.

I tell him ... I wanted to , I had heard about hcg before him.. I just didn't know how to get a doctor who would prescribe it. That this wasn't about being defiant.. this was about ... me .. feeling trapped in my own body.

and I do.


I have felt like I have been carrying around a 300 plus pound prison wrapped around me. Everyone loves me ... Everyone thinks I am funny. Everyone wants to hang ... but I feel like exactly what I am .. .the fat girlfriend.. the fat friend... the fat fat fat.

I used to totally have skinny pig syndrome... using the "well I am overweight but I am not as fat as...."

But those concessions no longer hold in weight ... ummm hahaha? It doesn't make sense... to make excuses. Especially when the only one I have to blame... is me.

I have decided to make cookies for the policeman who pulled the ass over . I guess the harley davidson truck guy failed the "attitude test" and he was arrested... not just a ticket.
He really doesn't have a regard for human life ... frightening.

I have to go to the store... I have to buy a george foreman grill and I have to go to the Sunflower Market and buy some organic foods.

On the list... veggies and lean chicken , beef and oh wait I already have fish.

But for now I am having a dr. pepper (just like crack cocaine to me) and watching vampire diaries.

HCG day 1

Load Day

I did my injection, it took two full minutes to cowgirl up and just do it.

I am over my ridiculous worrying about my relationship. I know he loves me and I am being just overly sensitive because I miss him so much. He waited up so that he could talk to me right before I fell asleep , so that I would sleep better through the night.

and I did.

I woke up this morning and found my mollie sleeping on the bed in the other room .
Apparently... she wanted her own space... and a whole bed to herself.. FUNNY!

A little stoked also ... For the last two years I have been at my job there is this one guy on the freeway- who makes my life a living hell. He is a menace traveling at speeds over 115 miles per hour , weaving in and out of traffic and also passing on the shoulder. He is an ass!
He has almost run me over - flashes his brights -grrrr

Anywho I have called this in and recently found out he had another complaint from a gentleman who has been observing him for 8 months .

and ... They got him today. They set up a sting . Watched what he does ... and boooyah... got him ...

I swear this is the best day ever ... Igave myself an injection and ass got a mega ticket ... wooo hoo

Hope your day is awesome also

small victories

So stoked ...

I went to my appointment to pick up my hcg and get my instructions for protocol. It was very interested. I confess that I had to scowl a little bit because when she came to the door she was tiny.
I was thinking how can this woman really get what I am here for.... SERIOUSLY!

So... she showed me pictures of her and her husband pre hcg...

He had lost over 100 lbs and she lost 40 ... WOW ... they look amazing...

::hopeful thinking:: I want to look amazing too.

So she walks me through food plans ... through rules that sort of thing.

and then what?
She teaches me how to give myself a shot.

Did I mention I have a fear of needles and I had a mini break down trying to brave up for the stinking b12 shot that she was teaching me with; since i don't actually start my shots and load days until tomorrow.

I started shaking i was going to try giving a shot in my thigh, but ... alas standing up i have freaking t-rex arms so ... that wasn't working standing up. SO ... I decided to do the b12 in my stomach... I finally just did it...

It didn't hurt .. but I was shaking so hard , that I bruised myself pinching up my skin.

Stressing out . My guy is in San Francisco for the last couple of days and we are supposed to be moving , he started with oh I am going up for a couple weeks and then I will bring you up. Now two weeks have moved to 4-6 weeks , and possibly even a few months.

What?!

We have been together 2 years and now... I am just not sure if he is moving on without me. That is a situation that I am used to. I have never ever left a relationship, I have always been the one that is left.
So do I grab the tape and start tryingto mend a heart before it breaks? Can you even do that?

I texted him today because I was so excited - I found a job in my company that would allow for a transfer to San Francisco. But i totally feel as though he was giving me push back.

I confronted him, and he states that it is mostly because he has never lived with anyone or moved with anyone. He is committed to doing that with me.

So I sit back and say ok.
I will just wait.

Stoked about tomorrow.. we will see how it goes. :)

Happy Hump Day...

Well... Happy Wednesday!

I am really tired today.

I honestly did not even want to put a lunch together but I did. I am not sleeping well with my guy in San Francisco. I hate being in the house by myself .

Today is my appointment to pick up hcg and tomorrow I start my diet.
I am thinking I will post a video of me giving my first shot.. that oughta really be fun to watch.
I am going to ask my sister to take my before pictures and measure me.

Yesterday I had alot of energy and cleaned up around the house .
I am hoping that I get that second wind today too.

Not too much to share right now ... I am planning on getting up and making some tea.

I have been already transitioning sugars and fats out . I will load up tomorrow and the next day as per the diet ... so we will see. I am noticing that my skin feels drier and I normally have oily skin so I will use an oil free moisturizer to help balance that.

Anyone on this diet? your suggestions are appreciated.
Peace~*

Good Morning

So... I guess it is morning again ::yawn::
I am exhausted.
With my Mr. gone and sleeping alone... I do not sleep.
I am used to his belly in my back and hand on my hip.

This morning I packed my lunch and packed a weight watchers meal , a banana an apple and a yogurt. some is breakfast some is lunch some is snack.

Went to the Slumber party last night. I had a GREAT time talking to the girls. I really do need more women in my life. Most of my friends are men ... my boyfriend... man... So it is nice to giggle and be silly and talk about girl things with the girls.

oh and I bought stuff too... :)

Not too much to say this am but just checking in... Have an Awesome Tuesday.

dinner plans interrupted

So... dinner for tilapia... interrupted... ::SIGH::

I am trying to figure out a healthy meal that is not homecooked.
suggestions are appreciated.

Good day for the most part, work was extremely busy so stressful ...
but I didn't feel the urge to overeat.
I had a yogurt with grape-nuts for breakfast
for lunch some carrots and a banana
then later another yogurt.
Granted these are not HCG diet approved, I have not started the plan yet.

Wednesday is my appointment so I will let you know more about my food plan at that time.

Still haven't told my guy that I am starting I want him to be surprised when he sees me.
We will see.

Tonite I have a "slumber party" to attend... this should be interesting ... I don't even know where to begin on that. My sister is going with me .
I think I will have to peruse their website to see what that is all about...

Other than that ... I have to get ready to go...
ta ta for now..

Morning!

So Good morning ,
Woke up and didn't really feel like opening my eyes ... yet here I am .
I was running late a little- due to a very poor nights sleep, My s.o. has started a new job in San Francisco, and we are waiting to move me out til we are sure it is a good fit.
Stressful to me is being alone which makes me want to hit old patterns and eat.
bleh!
Went on a fun-sister-day with the skinny sister - We went to a wig shop and tried out different hair, I figured it would be fun to buy a couple for the mister to change things up for him a bit.

Gotta say I love when the skinny sister says she is fat (pardon the sarcasm) But she isn't . In fact it frustrates me for any skinny woman to look down at her non existant thighs and say ... "ughhhh i am so fat"

I try really hard not to roll my eyes and say ... "really?!?" Because inside I would really love to be as fat as them.
I am waiting on my HCG doctor to call me back on my appointment- until then I am eating as healthy as possible .
For breakfast I has a lite yogurt and some grapenuts. I am also starting my vitamin regimine today.
Tonite for dinner I will be having some steamed broccoli and tilapia.
I have to make a list for myself because I need to buy a small george foreman grill.
just makes it easier.
anywho... not sure if anyone is even reading ... but if you are leave me a note.

Not The Skinny Sister...

So obviously... I am not a skinny bitch.

and I am really not a bitch at all... but definitely not skinny.

It has been an uphill battle for a very long time, and I have actually made the decision to shed this prison that i am trapped in. Granted it is a prison that I created myself... and it is one that will kill me if I do not do something about it and soon.

How did it all start? (Or how people who don't get it would say... "how could you let your body get so out of control")

Good question... and a warranted one. It began with bad relationships really. Being unhappy I began to look for a way to comfort myself. In a sense I was doing my best to build a wall around my emotions. My ex husband would cheat , and I wasn't on antidepressants but there was always some kind of comfort food that would anesthetize (sp) my aching heart, or bruised body.

No it is not a good excuse... and I am no longer trying to justify the why and how of my obesity. I just know that I am finally in a good place and I really want to make a change.

What Change are you really making?

Well that is also a good question ... I joined a gym.. Planet Fitness. They have a judgement free zone, and I feel comfortable trekking on the treadmill . I am working up my courage to try the other machines and to work with one of the trainers.

I also am starting Yoga and Turbo Jam again. I have had good results with these. But did not have a very good support system previously. I do now. Support is very important for anyone who is making a drastic lifestyle change. It also is very important to have support when you are an addict. Just like any drug addict or alcoholic... food additcts need support.

So I am here to journal and receive support... if you are not supportive or can not leave encouraging remarks then please find the red X at the top of your browser page and have a happy life.

I am very aware of society's view of fat people and how they treat people who do not fit the hollywood norm. I also feel the stares or the looks of disgust from people who don't really care for "fat people" . I feel that I am overlooked for jobs that I am qualified for because of my weight.

I think the most hateful moment I have had is when I was trying to rescue these three dogs running in the street, these four teenagers turned the corner and one of them a male looked at me and said "hey fat bitch you want a little tickle?"

Typically I have a very good sense of humor... but that just sent me into rivers of tears.

I have considered gastric bypass or the lap band procedure... but my insurance plan does not cover anything for weight loss.

I guess they would much rather pay for my triple bypass or you know ... let the life insurance pay for my burial. Makes no sense.

So I have decided to do the Hcg diet.

I have been doing research and find that this is probably the quickest way to lose a lot of weight while still being healthy.

I have made my appointment and now I am totally feeling a little nervous... I am not a fan of shots... but this diet requires an injection EVERY DAY.

eff me!