Feeling Trapped in My Own Body.

So, My day is coming to a close and I am feeling somewhat tired.
I have felt alot of energy today .
I am supposed to load up on calories today ... eat what I want and honestly i am not really that hungry ...

I came clean with Don over the whole starting HCG and not telling him. I just can't be deceptive with him. I love him.

I tried explaining that him starting the protocol without me really hurt me. That I felt like he wanted me to stay fat. He says it is because he wanted to start first to protect me.

So I tell him I am sorry.

He tells me ... if you wanted to lose weight so bad ... then why didn't you do something a year ago or two years ago.

I tell him ... I wanted to , I had heard about hcg before him.. I just didn't know how to get a doctor who would prescribe it. That this wasn't about being defiant.. this was about ... me .. feeling trapped in my own body.

and I do.


I have felt like I have been carrying around a 300 plus pound prison wrapped around me. Everyone loves me ... Everyone thinks I am funny. Everyone wants to hang ... but I feel like exactly what I am .. .the fat girlfriend.. the fat friend... the fat fat fat.

I used to totally have skinny pig syndrome... using the "well I am overweight but I am not as fat as...."

But those concessions no longer hold in weight ... ummm hahaha? It doesn't make sense... to make excuses. Especially when the only one I have to blame... is me.

I have decided to make cookies for the policeman who pulled the ass over . I guess the harley davidson truck guy failed the "attitude test" and he was arrested... not just a ticket.
He really doesn't have a regard for human life ... frightening.

I have to go to the store... I have to buy a george foreman grill and I have to go to the Sunflower Market and buy some organic foods.

On the list... veggies and lean chicken , beef and oh wait I already have fish.

But for now I am having a dr. pepper (just like crack cocaine to me) and watching vampire diaries.